The Homosexual Question

I continue to grapple with the homosexual question and articles like one in a recent Christian Chronicle make things confusing for me. The article shared that some folks are accepting the argument that God made them this way and to be candid their argument sounds reasonable and is why I struggle with my emotions over the homosexual question.

Now to begin with it must be stated emphatically that God loves homosexuals. There can be no denying that Jesus went to the cross and died for every single man and woman on the planet past, present and future. There are no distinctions that every man and woman need a savior. We all are desperate for God. But here is the struggle that I have, if God made homosexuals that way then they cannot be held responsible or accountable for how they live. That is where my struggle originates. I have left open the possibility that God made them this way and have neglected to ask an important question myself. That question is did God make them this way? To answer this question I cannot look through the filter of this side of Eden. I must go back to Eden because that is where God created us and where we were meant to live. 

What do we know about Eden? God created Adam and spent time with him sharing the wonders of the world and life with him. God introduced Adam to the animals, trees, fish, birds and fruit. It is as though God was walking Adam through his home much like a realtor did with my family during our eight moves through my career. Then God said it is not good for Adam to be alone and then he made Eve. This is his design. This is how we are meant to be. Adam and Eve were made for each other. They were made to come together in such a way that it takes a special word to describe this. They come to together in an intimate way and it is beautiful to behold. In Eden, Adam would have had no attraction for another man, because Eve was made for him. So there is no evidence that homosexuals are made that way by God.

I can preface this argument by sharing a story. On this side of Eden a sister in Christ was talking about being fearful of things and made a statement that God is the one who made me fearful. God made me this way. But that is not right and when we go back to Eden we see that Eve thought nothing of having a conversation with the serpent. There was no fear as she engaged in a dialogue with him and listened to his argument about the tree of knowledge. Eve had no fear until she ate the fruit and her eyes were opened to what evil is all about and then she felt shame and fear as she hid with Adam from God.

So the homosexual question is really about trying to remove the argument of free will from their lives, because if they can make it not a choice then everyone would have to say the homosexual relationship is acceptable to God. But that is the argument they cannot remove because Eden reveals to us today that homosexuality is indeed a choice. So for those like me who struggle with the homosexual question I can say to those who make that choice you have been given the gift of free will and you can exercise your free will however you want because that is given to you by God. I do accept that you can choose to go your own way. However, I will not agree that God made you this way and I cannot accept your demands that I recognize your relationship as ordained or blessed by God.

But I can share this. I was a violent, raging man and came to understand that God did not make me this way, but that I chose to be violent and raging when I had those moments. When I understood that I needed God in my life he transformed me. Today I can say, I was a violent, raging man but now I am a son of God.

My Dad’s Gift 

In July 2016 my family took a vacation to Alaska. We had visited Alaska previously in 2014, but stayed the whole time in Anchorage making a couple of day train trips but pretty much limiting what we had seen to be within a reasonable drive during the day. We had made a drive north of Anchorage to try to see Denali but it was overcast and did not reveal itself to us that day and I had regretted not attempting a flying tour that would have possibly allowed me to see the mountain through the clouds. So while our first excursion into Alaska was wonderful there was still much to be seen and we scheduled a second trip in 2016 with some specifics stops along the way to see what we had not seen during our 2014 visit. My one driving hope was to see Denali, to see the majesty of my Dad’s creation and I was not taking any chances I prayed daily for God to let me see the mountain.

Our flight landed on July 16 and on July 18 we rode the train to Fairbanks. As we approached the area where Denali would be visible I was disappointed to see that everything was overcast and while I think I got a brief glimpse of the mountain I could not be certain. We arrived in Fairbanks and the next day was more of the same as the overcast skies continued. On July 20 we took a tour to the Arctic Circle and the day started wet and ended wet. The skies were overcast most of the day but we made it to the Arctic Circle and had a fun time. The picture below gives an indication of what the skies had been like since we arrived on July 16 and on July 20 they had still not cleared. 

On July 22 we left Fairbanks and rode to Denali, Alaska where we hoped to see the mountain while we took a day excursion through the park that bears its name. The bus tour happened on July 23 and was amazing as we drove deep into the Alaska wilderness and enjoyed the majesty of the National Park with the wildlife we were able to see. The mountain stayed wrapped in cloud cover all day and our tour driver shared that the previous week the mountain had been visible everyday but this week it was hiding. I got a very hazy picture of the foot of the mountain towards the end of our tour and show it below. 

On the afternoon of July 24, I scheduled a flight tour through Fly Denali to see the mountain. I waited for the tour bus to pick me up and the driver said that at the current time the mountain is covered in clouds and the planes are unable to get close because the area was enshrouded in a violent storm. They would however give me a $100 credit if I would make a flight over the National Park instead. I declined this because I shared that I had scheduled an extra day just in case extenuating circumstances required. The driver said she would check and get back with me at 5:00 PM to see if I could be transferred to a flight the next day on July 25. That afternoon she said they had a slot on the 10:00 AM flight and I would have to be ready at 7:30 AM and I said yes I would do that.

On the morning of July 25 I woke early and waited for the tour bus to take me to the airport. After arriving at the hangar we were told that the tour was going to occur and we would probably get a decent view of the mountain. As Fly Denali was lining up the passengers and assigning us to our our seats we all were looking forward to what we were about to do. I was blessed with the co-pilots seat and we took off for our journey to see the 20,320’ mountain. As we were flying the mountain began to reveal itself through the clouds. You can see how it began showing itself in the picture below which is about 60 miles away. If this had been the best I could hope for it would have been worth it, because up to this moment I had not had as clear of a glimpse as this one. But the Father however, was going to share his glory with me. 

As we flew closer the clouds cleared off and the mountain was there with no clouds obscuring it at all. God cleared the sky because his son had asked him to and I had a spiritual moment with my Dad as a result. A trivial prayer? Perhaps, I know that more urgent prayers than this are said each minute of each day. But God chose to reveal himself to me through his answer and I will use his revelation to share with the world that he cares and he hears his children.

The Pleasure of God

Haggai 1:8 "Go up to the mountain and bring wood and build the temple, that I may take pleasure in it and be glorified", says the Lord.

Prior to saying this God said to the people you eat and are still hungry, you drink and are still thirsty, you live in your homes and are unsatisfied. Have you even wondered why? At this point the people had returned to their homeland after being in captivity for 70 years. They had started working on the temple, but had become discouraged and quit and went about concentrating on rebuilding their homes and reclaiming their lives. In a sense, they had quit worshipping God and then they came to find they did not have the joy they expected they would have upon returning home. So God says to them that he takes pleasure in what we do for him. 

Think about that, we as people can bring pleasure into God! He created the world and we are but small specks on it. He created the stars and the world itself is a small speck compared to them and yet we can bring pleasure to God? The temple cannot hold our creator, but when we build a structure for God and set it apart as special to us we touch him and when we bring pleasure to him we find satisfaction and peace in our lives as a result.

In Philippians 4:8-9 Paul tells us to meditate on whatever things are true, noble, just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, or praiseworthy and in doing so we will find God. So God takes pleasure in what we do for him and he surrounds us with things that show he is here. If we want to be in his presence then we need to stop and notice those things around us that reveal him. When we recognize we are in the presence of God, we will only want to worship him and in our worship we will bring him pleasure and then we will have satisfaction within our lives.

A Psalm from a Week in my Journey

12/07/14

Oh my God, why am I abandoned?
I tried to reach out and explain, but she despised me.
I asked a brother to come, please hear me. No! She forbids me to talk to you.
A sheriff is in my home as though I am a criminal.
She and her dad drive away without a single word or comment.
I am alone and abandoned; not worthy of help or care from either of them.
I lay on my bed with eyes wide open. There is no refuge even through sleep.

12/08/14

Oh my God; I am drained and exhausted.
I am alone now even at work.
I ask my supervisor for a few minutes of time and wait. There is no response.
Thirty minutes later I walk to his desk and ask again. “Oh sure.”
No one cares. I am despised by all.
Home is now a dark, empty prison. The silence is overbearing and fearful.
I am tired yet sleep eludes me another night.

12/09/14

I remain utterly alone and despised. No contact, no word, dreadful silence.
I have been abandoned to rot and decay.
Where are you God? Are you aware of this deep pain?
Do you care? Is this ache to remain in my stomach forever?
I go through motions. Anything to urge time onward.
My desire is for a single word. Yet she utters none.
Sleep is now an enemy for it too has abandoned me.

12/10/14

My soul, my heart, my body is exhausted and faint.
Even food brings no joy or strength. Only a bitter taste.
There is no joy in the world. Nor concern or care.
I called brothers from my past; confessing, sharing, seeking help.
They have not called back to check on my heart or on me.
Yes, I am completely abandoned,
My enemies they increase in number and now include those who I once spoke to face to face.

12/11/14

Physically I am sick. I am drained. I am sleepless.
A new brother invites me to his house. I find light in his company.
He shares words of hope, words of instruction, words of prayer. Indeed words from God.
Comfort is fleeting, but a life line has been thrown.
Oh my God. Five nights! I have prayed to you. Help! Heal! Comfort! Give me sleep!
Am I being heard? Am I worthy to be heard?
God, rescue me from total abandonment.

12/12/14

Another morning as bitter as the five preceding it.
I begin another day replicating my mechanical movements doing nothing.
There is a knock. I open the door and see the most beautiful face of all!
I am stunned, shocked. I collapse in sobs. Her hands reach, touch, and bring comfort.
Oh my God. You heard! You cared! You did not abandon me!
You spoke to her heart through a deep sadness,
and brought her to our door and the road home.
God; you are amazing and great. I will sing of your rescue with all my heart.
I will tell others of your grace and love for your fallen, broken children.

I Care for Bill Maher

Lately, I've been listening to many of Bill Maher's dialogues that have been uploaded to YouTube. I agree with much of what he says concerning the nastiness of many conservatives and I think he is spot on many times. However, as an adopted son of God I find him tragically wrong on his thoughts and opinions about my creator and father. In his dialogue about Noah he calls God a murderer of babies. He argues that those babies did nothing wrong, yet God wiped them out along with their parents during the flood. He is correct that any babies born right before the flood perished along with their parents, but his arguments about how this action destroys the character of God are not correct. I have been pondering how would one try to talk with Mr. Maher about this and two examples came to mind.

The first example I remembered occurred in the 1990's near Lubbock, Texas. A young couple with a new born were wiped out when an 18 wheeler plowed into them late at night while they were parked on the shoulder of highway 84 near Lubbock. That particular night the West Texas wind was howling making it difficult for the driver to keep the truck on the highway. The young father in this case did not want to spend money on a hotel, and decided to pull over on the shoulder and sleep for a bit. About two miles past where he had just driven was a picnic area that he could have pulled into which would have kept them even further from the highway, but he drove past that and pulled over where his young family were met with tragic results. It can be said he placed a higher priority on saving $90 a hotel room would have cost than his young wife and newborn son.  The innocent child perished with his parents not because God murdered him but because a poor choice put him in harm's way.

My second example happened as Hurricane Ike was approaching the Texas coast. The authorities in Galveston practically begged and pleaded with the population to get off the island. One of the news crews showed two young children standing with their parents at the sea wall watching the waves crash over it. The parents were acting like this was going to be a party and so much fun as they laughed along with their children at the waves. As the hurricane moved inland, the authorities began getting calls from those who foolishly chose to stay begging for help. All the authorities could say was we cannot help you, give us your information and we will respond when the storm is over. In one example, a woman began texting her friends sharing how bad it is getting. In one of her final texts she admitted, "I think I made a mistake by staying." Tragically she was correct and her body was found in the swampy marshes later. Her house having been completely destroyed she was washed inland by the surge. I do not know the outcome of the two young children and their parents. Those two innocent children may have perished as well, but not because God murdered them but because the two who were given responsibility to protect them made a foolish decision to stay like the lady above.

I don't believe Mr. Maher will be willing to listen to my examples. But like the babies during Noah's time they perished because their parents chose not to get on the ark for whatever reason and in my examples there is a rough correlation to the example of Noah. God is the controller of the West Texas wind and hurricane winds and he could have made the winds cease I suppose. Yet, the parents in both cases made a decision to stay in harm's way and in one case a newborn died, but not because God murdered him but because a tragic choice was made.

Compassion in Action

Ring the bells that still can ring,

Forget your perfect offering,

There is a crack, a crack in everything,

That's how the light gets in.  

From Anthem by Leonard Cohen

Ruth: Who hurt you once so far beyond repair?

Jean-Guy: Am I Ruth? Beyond repair?...........

Jean-Guy: Rosa came back.

Ruth: Yes.

Jean-Guy: I'm glad.

Ruth: She took the long way home. Some do you know. They seem lost. Sometimes they might even head off in the wrong direction. Lots of people give up, say they're gone forever, but I don't believe that. Some make it home eventually.

Jean-Guy Beauvoir knew then that he and Rosa hadn't been abandoned, they'd been saved.

From How the Light Gets In by Louise Penny

The fictional conversation between Jean-Guy and Ruth resonated deeply within my heart. So much so that I had to write it down in my journal after finishing the book and try to capture what my heart was telling me about me. As a person who was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in 2013, I could relate to the lostness of Jean-Guy. He was in a prison of his own making and did not know how to free himself, and then an angel in the form of an old, wounded woman, Ruth Zardo, sits by him on a bench and engages him in conversation. Ruth is a woman who keeps people at arms length seemingly to avoid getting too close to anyone. But, she knows Jean-Guy and deep inside she cares and loves enough to try to rescue him and somehow her words and action penetrated his heart and he listened.

In my life, I did not learn I was depressed until my 56th year. I did not know anything was wrong per se, except that I had a violent temper and there were times I could not control it and I would rage. I have shared my story in previous blogs about how my wife Susan rescued me as Ruth did Jean-Guy, and I am also thankful for my counselors Dr. Holland Miller and Dr. Linda Collings for helping me find my way back home. 

But there is another thing about the conversation penned by Louise Penny that resonates on such a deep level and that is that Ruth chose to not wash her hands but to get involved with a person that was not family, but a person nonetheless. In my story, there were many people who did wash their hands of me and in particular they are current long time members of the Church of Christ and I carry much anger towards them even today. In our church upbringing the thought seems to be that once a person is baptized and saved then any issues that "flare up" are caused by a hard, unrepentant heart and the onus is on the individual to straighten up or else that person can be left behind.  My anger is also fueled because specifically if three of these people had their wish, my wife would have divorced me and now be free of me. I can sympathize with those feelings on one level that of we've seen this happen time and again. But on the level of being a Christ follower I will not offer any of them them sympathy. So, I know if I had been sitting on the bench wanting a rescue many of that mindset would have left me there and not intervened on my behalf because I had not earned their help. Yet Ruth Zardo chose to get out from behind her walls and protective armor and reveal her caring heart to one who was lost and lonely. 

In the lyrics written by Leonard Cohen he says there is a crack, a crack in everything that's how the light gets in. His thought perfectly sums up how our Father worked in his world to rescue me. Everyone of us no matter how tidy or dirty has cracks in our hearts. The Father could have washed his hands of all of us and let us go, but instead he uses the cracks to reveal to his child that he is here. In my case his light got in through Susan, Travis, Daniel, Drs. Miller and Collings, Don, Pastor Jay, Art, Majure, Tom, Donna, Joey, Josh, Khaled, Tonya, Kathy, Al, Pat among others. This is important because no person is not worth the effort to try to rescue especially if you yourself have been rescued. The fictional conversation between Ruth and Jean-Guy paints a picture of compassion in action. Where the majority see someone who is disposable, compassion sees a lost person in need of care and help. Compassion sees a person who is worthy of rescue and worth fighting for. 

So the fictional conversation resonates because I know as a rescued person I must live as compassion in action. God uses the cracks in each of us to let the light get in, but the light doesn't bring the message another person must step into the light and say, "I've been rescued and I can offer you the hope I found if you want it." The world is hungry for such compassion. The world is desperately in need of such compassion.

In God We Trust

There is much uproar among Christians concerning the movement to remove the phrase "In God We Trust" from our currency. I don't know what to think about this really, because I find those that are speaking the loudest are also the ones who don't seem to be trusting the most. In God We Trust is not so much something we carry in our pocket as much as we live in our lives.  These four words should be our testimony not a phrase.

Consider the Israelites for a moment. God appeared to Moses through the burning bush and told him he has heard the cries of his people enslaved by the Egyptians. God told Moses to go to Pharaoh and demand he free them so they could go into the desert and worship God. Before Moses went to Pharaoh he went to share the good news with the Israelites to tell them they will soon be free. Moses then goes to Pharaoh and tells him what God said and Pharaoh rebuffs the demand and increases the burden on the Israelites. Now, if a people trust in God then they would have said something along the lines of Pharaoh is making a big mistake. He's playing with not only fire, but the one who created fire and he's going to get burned very badly if he doesn't free us. God said we are going to be free and that's what's going to happen because In God We Trust. Rather than react this way the Israelites instead complained loudly. They moan and groan about the burden placed on them and blame Moses for causing this. God told them they were going to be free, but he did not tell them what they would go through to get their freedom so they took their eyes off the promise and focused on the present.

In the same way, those of us today who say In God We Trust should live like we really trust him. God said I'm going to be with him in eternity and no matter what the circumstances are that I go through that should be where my focus remains. God doesn't tell me what I am going to go through in order to get to eternity in heaven and it would be wonderful if I had a storm free life. Yet the reality is I have been through many storms thus far and probably have a few more to go through yet ahead, but my God said I'll be with him in eternity and that's good enough for me because In God I Trust.

That is what this phrase should mean. It shouldn't make any difference if it is on our currency or not, because that phrase should be our testimony. That phrase should be how we live our lives. Live like you believe it. God, Father, this is a hard revelation you have shown me, I'm no different than the Israelites and take my eyes off the promise and focus on the present. I want my life to be a testimony that speaks to others in such a way that they say In God He Trusts. Keep the promise of heaven before me and teach me how to keep my focus on the destination and not the journey to the destination. Amen

The Great Command

Love God. We take those words so much for granted that we hardly stop to wonder where they are seeking to take us.

Hear, O Israel. It was in a wilderness that these great words of Moses were trumpeted forth in the first place; with the only thing to keep them going was the hope of a promised land.

My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? In a way Jesus words are a love song, the greatest love song of them all.

All quotes from Fredrick Buechner

These stirring words from Fredrick Buechner resonates deeply within me. They remind me that I all too often forget that the command to love God has a purpose to it. The command is not a static command where all I need to do is flip the switch from off to on. If I live the command the result is the command will actively lead me out of the wilderness I have stumbled through for so long to the promised land God has spoken about. It is like an awakening where I stop for a moment from my destinationless wanderings and look around and understand I am hopelessly lost and absolutely nothing around me looks very appealing or comforting. Then as I stand there in my hopelessness I hear the words, "Hear, O Ken, the Lord your God is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all you soul, and with all your strength. Love me Ken and I will lead you to a land flowing with milk and honey. Love me Ken and your destinationless wanderings will have a destination and the journey I will guide you in getting there will be incredible."

The words do not stop there however. The example of Jesus speaks deeply as well. "Love me Ken, even in those moments where you do not see me, hear me, feel me, or even sense me. Love me Ken when the utter loneliness is so deep the words you utter are like a love song."

Father, Father, I long so much for you. Where are you? I only want you to be here with me. 

We Have Good News

II Kings 7:9 Then they said to each other, what we are doing is not right. This is a day of good news and we are keeping it to ourselves.

This is the comment of one of 4 lepers who decided to go into the camp of the enemy and surrender to them in the hope the enemy would show them some compassion. Their city had been subjected to a long and brutal siege that was starving the population to death.  The circumstances were so severe that the people had begun to kill and eat their own children, so the lepers decided to go to the enemy camp and surrender to be fed or killed. It made no difference which because they were so hungry they were willing to chance that some mercy still remained in the enemy's heart.

The straits for the population were so dire and they were so weak from starvation they had no power to fight for themselves. Yet during the night the enemy heard the sounds of God's army all around them and they got up and fled in a panic. Simply the noise of marching caused the enemy to get up and run and leave behind all of their stores. They didn't even comtemplate where such an army could have come from. They were filled with the dread of the awesome God.

When you have gotten to the moment where you are so desperate that you would even welcome death, that is a sign that the enemy has convinced you that you are in a hopeless place and no one not even God can rescue you. Yet, that is precisely the time that God shows up to eliminate any question in your mind that you had a hand in changing your circumstance or bringing about your rescue. God shows up when the only rescue possible is through his power. 

When you are able to get up from death's bed and enjoy a bountiful feast how can you keep that to yourself? You are compelled to tell every starving, beaten down, weary, hopeless, imprisoned, blind, sick person, "Wait! Do not give up because I have good news for you. I too was going through your situation and I also saw no hope for rescue, no hope for help and God showed up! He rescued me and I want you to know he can rescue you as well."

Depression is not a Sin

John 9: 2-3, Rabbi who sinned this man or his parents that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

As I read this conversation between the disciples and Jesus I am struck by how closely this comes to home for me. Society has not really changed much in the 2,000 years that have passed since Jesus walked the earth. Sure the technology of today exceeds what the world had during Jesus days, but the attitudes of society remains the same today as 2,000 years ago. People still look at others and make judgements such as someone is at fault that this man was born this way, but who sinned himself or his parents? If he had been more pure this would not have happened so too bad!

Jesus turns those arguments and attitudes on their head, because he essentially tells them this is what occurs when you inhabit a world that is broken. Little innocent babies are born blind, deformed, deaf, mute, autistic, etc., but God can use those the world shuns and show his power through them. In this mans case in John 9, God chose to restore the man's eye sight. That the world believed his blindness was the consequence of a sin, and now he can see should tell the world your thoughts are wrong so learn to adjust your beliefs, because in a world that is not broken this man would have been born with eye sight the same as the rest of you. 

In the same way, people look upon those who are depressed and say it's their fault. Fix the attitude and your depression goes away, or if you are spiritual enough you would never get depressed. The problem with that argument is my depression has a genetic component. I inherited it, so neither my parents nor myself sinned. My depression like the man born blind is simply a result of this broken world we inhabit. Like the man born blind I cannot reverse it or heal it, but God can work through it to show his works through me.

I have not been healed, but we live in a world where medication and counseling can help depressed people live quality lives. I did not get diagnosed until 56 years of age, and that was God's timing because at that time I was ready to listen to others who knew something was wrong with me. After six weeks of counseling my doctor sent me to another doctor who asked pointed questions and after I answered all of them she told me I am clinically depressed and have been for a long time. She then prescribed a medication that worked well for me. The medication combined with the counseling combined with Celebrate Recovery combined with daily time with God has brought me to the point where I can tell others what God has done for me. 

I will always have to take my medication, but that does not mean God has not healed me. That means for me I need medication to function in a broken world, and God uses the medication to give me a clarity I have never had and he can use me to touch others who don't understand they are depressed. 

Jesus who sinned, Ken or his parents that he was born with depression? Neither Ken nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. Glorify yourself through my illness Father, because you have rescued me from the precipice and I can share that with others who are hurting and help lead them to you.

We Are All Flawed Yet God is Here

She learned this from the villagers, who'd been generous enough to lend her their souls to paint. Not as perfect human beings but as flawed, struggling men and women. Filled with fear and uncertainty and in at least one case, martini's. Louise Penny - The Brutal Telling

Yes, we see the outside, but the heart of a person is what we need to be searching for and in the passage about Clara above Ms. Penny describes how Clara is able to capture the heart on canvas. All of us bear the flaws, scars, amputations and all the other baggage that have brought us to this very day, December 10, 2014. A flawed and struggling people who are filled with fear and uncertainty are a people who have forgotten they can trust the heart of God. That's the problem we get distracted by things maybe a snub, or a smirk, or an inflection in a comment that yields anger or unforgiveness. Then instead of pulling back and saying I can trust the heart of God we react through a wound and all hell breaks loose. The Ransomed Heart Ministry team sends a daily reading and the day I journaled this I read their post and they asked this question. Is God's heart good? And they concluded this way. Yes! The heart of the universe is still perfect love.

Then later that day I read a Lolo Jones post on Facebook that said, Fear is a prison. So these are the things I must hold onto in all battles. If I do not trust the heart of God, I will be filled with fear and imprisoned within my fear. When I am walking with confidence and trust in my Father's heart then the battles around me while inflicting pain and heartache are not fatal, because my Father's heart will never cause me harm and the battles are waged by someone or something else. 

Jacob's dream of the stairway reaching to heaven with angels ascending and descending with the Lord at the top changed his whole perspective about where he was standing at that moment. Well, there is a stairway leading from heaven to right here in my bedroom as I type this post and I can know God is here. He is here because his heart is perfect love and my flaws and struggles do not diminish his love for me. With all the uncertainty and fear swirling around me at this moment it looks a lot like Luz, but God is here and I just need to see him and trust his heart. Yes, I know the answer is not the one I wanted, not the one I prayed for, not the one I screamed for and and not the one I cried for but I will trust his heart because my day of joy is coming.

We Are Planned

Genesis 1: 14-15 And God said let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times and days and years and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.

Are we an accident of the Big Bang or are we planned? In this short passage in the creation story we see God is perhaps looking ahead to day 6 when he would create mankind. Here on day 4 the indication is he is preparing his creation for us. I am not aware of any animal that looks into the night sky and marks sacred times, days, or years. So the Father must have been looking ahead to us, but why?

I believe he was providing mankind a way to return to significant moments in our story so we will remember what God has done for us. Our Father knew we would need some grounding and that is why we celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and graduations among other things. It is also why we remember loved ones, friends, even dark nights of the soul. Today on this last day of November 2014, I still am able to remember the night of 5/13/13, because that is the night I began to call on the name of the Lord and that is the night of my rescue.

The creation story is so much deeper than arguments about literal or figurative days. Our God was preparing for our entrance and subsequent individual journey's. He knew we would leave him and so he was also preparing a way to help us to return to him. In Genesis 4:26, he says and people began to call upon the name of the Lord. The Father was going to be ready for the moment when one of his children wanted to be found and begin calling, "Daddy! Daddy!" The story of creation is incredible and comforting because we are planned. We are not an accident.

Will the Pharisees Ever Shut Up?

I recently came across an essay concerning John Eldredge, and not surprisingly the authors were quite critical of his teachings. The interesting thing is they began their essay with the acknowledgement that Eldredge has touched many men through his writings and boot camps. Then they quickly followed up with their caveat that he is guilty of many errors in his beliefs. His errors they state are not supported by the Bible and therefore should raise caution among those considering listening to him.

I found the essay to be interesting because if they believe Eldredge to be a false teacher, why do they also admit that his message is resonating deeply within men today. It strikes me how these critics sound similar to the Pharisees of Jesus’ day. As in the case of the old Pharisees the Pharisees of today concentrate on works rather than grace.

Now I must be transparent and identify that I am one of the men touched and transformed by God through the message of his servant John Eldredge. I want to respond to their criticism, and I do not want to respond from a spirit of haughtiness, arrogance, or pride. I do not seek a fight as I been in a number of them through the years mainly when I was living as the Pharisees. Ultimately nothing good came from any of those battles. So to address the dilemma of why Eldredge is connecting with men today; my thoughts are the spirit is using him to draw drifting men to the God they are searching for yet haven't been able to see in the congregations they are currently part of. I can attest to this, in August 15 - 18, 2013, I was in the company of 470 men in the mountains outside of Denver who gathered together to listen to God speak to us through his servants of the Ransomed Heart team. I walked away filled with the presence of our great God and learned things about myself that changed me in a deep way.

A fair question is how do I know it was God and not the enemy masquerading around as God? My answer is the enemy would never send me to a place where transformation can result, because the risks are too high that the blind will see, or a captive held in prison might be freed or one sitting in darkness in a dungeon might be released. There is no way the enemy will be willing to take a chance and lose me at a boot camp. 

Another reason is the coincidences are too great to ignore. I found out about the boot camp session following a meeting with my counselor on May 27, 2013. During the May 27 session, she asked if I had ever considered attending a retreat for men where I could share my issues and listen to their perspective on some of the things I am struggling with. In that meeting, I mentioned one of my favorite authors has what he calls boot camps that I had thought about attending in the past but never seriously entertained the idea. I shared that for my assignment that week I would look into one of his sessions. Now, one doesn't just go online and sign up for a boot camp session because they are too popular and require submitting your name into a lottery. I learned that evening that the current lottery for the boot camp in August 2013 was to close on May 28! Yeah, I agree everyone will shrug their shoulders and say coincidence, but this was the first time I had ever entered my name and 3 days later I was notified of my selection. Coincidence or more realistically did God want me to be there? I was to learn later from some other men at the session they had finally been selected for a boot camp for the first time after having entered the lottery 3 times or more over the years.  So, the timing was right for me. God wanted me there at that specific one.

In between the sessions, I was able to get away from the other 469 men in the nearby hills and woods and be alone in the spirit to listen to God speak to me and heal me of many wounds I had not dealt with through the years. During my time as a student at LSU I attended a congregation where I was wounded by some pharisees. The main players were a pulpit minister, a campus minister, and an old “friend” among others. Their message to me was of my spiritual failures, and how my heart is hard and I am a disappointment to them personally. To these specific individuals righteousness was evident by actions and if you did not do the actions that was proof of a hard heart and merited advising others to not fellowship with me. Those were very hurtful wounds and I carried my bitterness against these specific men for many years. Grace was a word they talked about that God provided to me in spite of my sins, but I suppose grace was a God thing and not something they had to dispense themselves.

On the other hand the Ransomed heart team shares grace and they tell men we are beloved sons of the King. I came to understand my Father is jealous for me and wants me to come to him for healing and to learn what he created me to do in this world at this time. I also learned that my anger, rage and depression do not define me as unspiritual and unlovable, but as evidence that I have many wounds that have been unhealed through the years. I heard my Father tell me he made me to reflect his compassion in my image of him in the world. This is not what I heard from the pharisees I worshipped with while in college. Instead, I heard I’m pretty much a disappointment all around.

I submit that Eldredge and his team would say to any broken and defeated man who comes into their company, “Brother you have taken many wounds in your heart and the enemy has been able to exploit them and addict you to (insert addiction), but the truth of the matter is you are loved and God does not want you to remain where you are. Let's help you approach God so you can learn to open up all of your heart so these wounds can start to be healed.” The pharisees of today would say straighten up and then come talk to us.

I was sitting in darkness in a dungeon and it wasn't the pulpit minister, the campus minister, or the old "friend" who fought to release me from the dungeon those many years ago. It turns out the ones who actually shared grace with me were the ones who experienced it the most themselves. They include among others the Ransomed Heart team, my brothers in Celebrate Recovery, the Pastors in my current congregation, my counselor, and my family.

So I do take exception when people attack John Eldredge and the Ransomed heart team because they were among the ones who freed me from the dungeon. I am not a disappointment, God loves me and thinks I’m worth rescuing. My message today is I’ve been released, reclaimed, rebooted, restored, and redeemed. Thank you John Eldredge and the Ransomed heart team for fighting for me along with my counselor, my Pastors, my Celebrate Recovery family, and most of all my beautiful wife.

Intently Looking into the Pit of Hell

Each of us must reach that brink where we look over the abyss into the pit of hell and see what we could become, before we can appreciate what Christ has done for us. J M Kane Wounded Hearts, Broken Minds

While reading Mr. Kane's book Wounded Hearts, Broken Minds I came across the statement above and it stopped me in my tracks. He captured perfectly the situation I needed to experience in order to come to understand what Christ has done for me personally. 

For me, that meant I had to see myself while not wearing any filters or blinders. This was the only way I would be able to begin to comprehend what I had become absent Christ so I could fully understand what Christ was offering to me. The enemy on the other hand fears very deeply our looking into the pit of hell, because he means to destroy as many people as possible to hurt God. The problem the enemy finds himself in is he cannot stop us from looking over the abyss into the pit of hell and comprehending what we really are without Christ. We can make the choice to do exactly that and the enemy knows it, so he does the only thing within his power to prevent us from looking into the pit of hell and that is to distract us so we won't look. Unfortunately, he has shown he is quite effective in his distractions.

As I have shared in a past post, Isaiah 42:6-7:

I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

The enemy can confuse us so that we are in effect blind, he can imprison us through addictions; hatred, anger among multiple things, or finally as in my case he can keep us in a dungeon of darkness where we think we can see everything we need to see. While not all inclusive these are three ways the enemy effectively distracts us from looking intently into the pit of hell. The majority of us are in one of these three states. Celebrate because God was not content to leave us there and is why he sent Jesus so we could understand that we can either remain where we are or we can take hold of the lifeline grace offers us.

For me personally, my wife sensed for a long time something was wrong; researched and came to the conclusion I was depressed, (my dungeon of darkness). I for the most part felt that was the way life was supposed to be. So on the night of May 13, 2013 under a perfect storm she took a desperate step to force me to go to the brink, look over the abyss into the pit of hell and see what I am becoming. She then left me at that very spot to force me to make a choice: either to return to the dungeon and stay there or take hold of the lifeline grace was offering to me. My glimpse into the pit of hell shocked me and I chose to call upon God and invite Jesus into my heart and live. In the end her brave stand forced me to remove the filters and blinders and look at myself truthfully. Her stand saved my life. Thank you, Susan.

The Story of My Desire

This morning at church one of our Pastor's shared that while weeding his garden the spirit spoke to him that this is the same thing God has to do within us to pull out the weeds in our lives by the roots. I was moved by his words. I had noticed I was allowing certain things to creep into my life and treating them as harmless, while I knew in my subconscious this is something the enemy can use to get a "toe" hold in my life that he will then use very strongly against me. I had let a spirit of lust begin to whisper things to me and rather than shut my ears I allowed the thoughts to lead me into a "safe" search of fully clothed beautiful women. However, the enemy was going to push me inch by inch into more explicit pictures. So, the words of the pastor were meant to speak to my heart and I was able to ask God for his healing and to invite him into my heart to remove the weed by the roots from my heart. The powerful thing is that his words also spoke to other family members as well, because many brothers and sisters approached the altar and prayed while the pastor lifted his words to God. This proves there are no coincidences in the fellowship of God's children. He really does speak to us.

I have been reading through the book, Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge for my second time. The message is so powerful, we find ourselves floating along in life wondering if we are missing something. Why would we have these feelings if we have been successful according to the world? Why would we conclude we've missed out on something if we aren't after needs, but are pursuing wants? Where does this sense of dissatisfaction come from? These men say it is the wooing of God that is distracting us. They remind their readers that we are not an accident we were created.  The creator placed within each one of our hearts a desire that never lets us go. We tend to appease this desire by pursuing status, money, accolades, among other things believing that is what the desire seeks. Yet each time we achieve something we find the dissatisfaction is still there, so something is not making sense.

We come to get a brief glimpse that everything we have pursued till now has not been what the desire was really leading us to. Craig McConnell explained to a young man in Killing Lions, "I think that God has this phenomenal ability in training and developing a (young) man to use what we might view as wasted time or not on target time to just work character, internal issues that are actually essential to the fulfillment of our dreams. In God's economy what he is doing in each of us is in reality no wasted time, because he's after something."  So I can say yes! My career time allowed God to show me things that I needed to see and it finally came down to a dark night of the soul on May 13, 2013 when I had a terrible meltdown and had no place else to turn except to God. This last year and a half, (5/13 - 9/14), has been a tremendous time of growth and understanding for me. I have learned my desire is to understand that God created me to reflect his compassion to those I come in contact with. When I do that I find that I am living within God's story and he allows me to play an important part in freeing those sitting in dungeons of darkness, or releasing those held captive by the enemy, or helping those who are blind to see. I don't know fully this desire, but I am seeing glimpses and I find my smaller story as a petroleum engineer is not nearly as exciting and fulfilling as God's real story. 

David Wilcox summarized this way in his song, Show the Way:

                                 In this scene set in shadows

                                 Like the night is here to stay

                                 There is evil cast around us

                                 But it's love that wrote the play.

I've a part in the play written by love, but occupied by evil. Evil will never have the final word, because evil did not write the story, the story was written by my great God.

But Don't You Know Who You Are?

The Landing Ministry at First Baptist Covington began on August 5 of this year. The young men are divided by age, 6 - 8 grade, 9 - 10 grade, and 11 - 12 grade. The first month has gotten off to an excellent start.

Today, 9/13/14, as I was browsing the internet I was struck by the names of the high profile individuals among us who have recently come out and publicly shared they are a recovering (blank). I admire the courage that it takes for these folks to stand up and admit they have an addiction to something harmful.  It struck me, because I had no clue they were going through the struggles they were so all of them were able to successfully hide their addictions from the public. It also struck me to ask why was I surprised at some of them who came out? Why should I be surprised really? After all they are finding that the success and adoration they sought from the public was not giving them the expectations or affirmations they were looking for. Money, fame, success, attention, and adulation, these are some things most of us seek believing that when we get them we will be satisfied with our lives. Yet, most folks who do get these attain these very things find themselves to still feel empty inside. They still feel lonely. They still ache. 

It is not of course isolated to the Hollywood types. In life I have seen many who believed that promotions, raises, bonuses, ratings, recognitions would lead them to the place where satisfaction with life is found. Yet, they have to start over the next year striving for the very same things. Many of them are just getting started in their careers and already they have bought luxury cars, large homes, and other material attempts to keep the aches at bay and some are finding it is not working. In a few more years many of them will be joining the high profile individuals who have to admit they are a recovering (blank). 

During one of our Tuesday Landing sessions the band sang a song I had never heard before and the lead sang a haunting question the song asks, "But don't you know who you are?" I was struck by that question and I could not get it out of my mind. After the session I approached the lead singer and asked the name of the song that had the question, "But don't you know who you are?", and he shared that the title of the song is You Are More by 10th Avenue North. I downloaded the song and was listening to it on my way to work one morning and the question resonated again and I felt the spirit teaching me that - No, most people don't know who they are because they have not been taught. How can they know? You must tell them.

In the Jr. High open share group we end each session with that specific question to each young person in the group.  ....., do you know who you are? The first time we told him the answer, you are a beloved son of God or the King! Then asked the next one the same question and gave him the same answer. Now as we close the session the young men are answering they do know who they are. Maybe in a few years when these young men begin the search they'll remember where to go for the affirmation they are searching for, and they'll go to their father as he reminds them you are a beloved son and I cherish you deeply. Those who have come out and admitted they are in recovery, I propose that you don't know who you are and when you learn you are a beloved son or daughter of the king your life will change! You are more!

Don't Forget There are Two Realms

My journey through recovery is now at 15 months. The view of today contrasted to May 13, 2013 is a complete 180 to use the cliche, yet it is the only adequate description that can be applied. It strikes me that I cannot offer proof that my life has changed, because all anyone else can do is observe and conclude for themselves whether a real change has occurred or am I merely posing while wearing a different mask? In this case my words saying I have changed are not enough and I believe that should not be the final answer for everyone to have to accept either.  However, if proof is the only form to allow acceptance to happen then mankind is in trouble, because most people would choose to say I am skeptical and will choose to wait years if need be to say "Aha! See I knew he was not different."

Is there an adequate answer then? While reading a testimony about a person going through the grief of losing his wife, the comment was made that sometimes all a person can do is acknowledge that all they can do is say to God, "thy will be done." This thought triggered a revelation from the spirit in my heart.

It strikes me that when we pray; "Father, thy will be done.", this is really a prayer of understanding and acceptance. It represents understanding because we are acknowledging that - God, I know you can alter this. I know you can heal my loved one. I know without question you are able and you have the power. All it takes is a single word from your lips and the present course will be altered, and the outcome will be changed. 

However, the above cannot be the final sentence of what thy will be done suggests. we must also continue in our prayer and say, "Yet for your reason you have chosen not to do what I have asked, and though my grief is great and suffocating, I trust you and submit to thy will."

This revelation sugests to me that we occupy two realms in our lives. The first is realm of proof. This realm is essentially everything is black or white in a manner of speaking. This is the realm of sight, touch, taste, hear, and smell. The realm of proof is the realm of our senses. There is no place for doubt, because our senses have confirmed the reality of the moment. But what of the inquiry of the one who has lost a loved one or my initial statement that my life is now 180 from a year ago. These things cannot be proved with the senses alone.

Here is what I mean. When someone loses a loved one those of us who are not grieving typically say he/she is in a better place. He is in a place of joy. She is free from pain in her new home. We say these things yet we cannot prove them at all. Like the thy will be done prayer, those who are grieving and those who are being transformed are in the other realm that exists beyond proof. The answers to the questions that the senses cannot provide are found in the realm of love. That transcendental realm where God, Jesus and the spirit are found. The realm of love is where we must go when we are seeking the peace, comfort and understanding that the realm of proof is unable to provide.

Where does a Nomad Call His Home?

One of the basic of all Bible stories is the journey of human beings, exiled from all that is familiar, who find home. Lynda Weaver Williams from foreword in The Glad River.

This thought intrigues me because I've lived a nomadic life. My parents moved 4 times during my youth and I have followed that with 7 moves during my professional career. At my current age of 57 that is an average of 5.2 years, (57/11), at each place.  While I did find gifts of beauty at each city where I have lived I can't say the longing for home ever left me. I enjoyed those homes in those cities but I never came to think I am home. My question then becomes how do you find home? Is the emptiness I feel telling me I'm not home yet?

Our longing is for home, but where is that for a people who have lived nomadic lives? Both sets of my grandparents lived out of state and we made annual trips to visit them. I loved the country living of my maternal grandparents and the quiet smallness of the town my paternal grandparents lived in. Yet, whenever we visited them there was never a feeling that we were returning home. Last summer I spent 4 days in the Rocky Mountains west of Denver and my time there can be described as beautiful and breathtaking, but they weren't home and when it came time to leave I felt no drawing to stay there. Colorado was nothing more than just a place to visit. 

I lived in California and enjoyed gold panning, the redwoods, and the mountains, but when I was transferred to Houston I picked up and left with barely a look in my rear view mirror. I fear westerners have lost the comfort of home, because we have become nomadic and have tried to convince ourselves that home is wherever you live. It's not! Of the 11 places I have lived in my life time, none of them ever felt like home. In the River Dance play there is a moment when a young couple has to leave their island and migrate to America. As they are preparing to leave the wife, stands and looks out over the countryside as though she is trying to burn the image into her memory. Her husband takes her hand and then they turn and walk away. At the last moment before boarding the boat the husband takes a quick glance back to see their land for the last time. That is my thought of what it means to have a home. A place your heart longs to be. A place that tugs at your soul. A place that you can tell others about with much detail. Home. Where are you?

Remember the Promises

I've read a couple of books authored by Max Lucado on the story of Joseph, and I have been moved by some of his thoughts. We all know that before Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers that God spoke to him through two dreams and revealed to Joseph that one day his family would bow to him. I am convinced that God was telling Joseph you are not going to be worshipped, but soon something is going to happen to you and these dreams are going to remind you to hold on, because I am God and I have told you your family will bow down to you. So as Joseph was led off in chains and his pleas for mercy to his brothers went unheard, this would have presented a great moment for him to have a crises of faith, and not only this but all the other things that happened to him along the way as well. Being falsely accused and imprisoned for rape, to telling another good news and asking him to speak to Pharaoh on his behalf only to be forgotten. Joseph had many moments to forget his two dreams. Yet, he held on. It is as though while wearing the heavy chains of the slave owners, he knew, I've been called to more than this (Max Lucado).

I have no clue why all this happened the way it did, but I do have a thought. The enemy was aware that God was going to bring his son into the world through the lineage of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. If he could destroy the line he would prevent God's plan from coming into fruition. So he used every means within his power to destroy Joseph, first by enslaving him, then imprisoning him. With Joseph safely tucked away in the dungeons of Egypt, there would be no way the line could be preserved, assuming he knew about the famine that was coming. This would keep the Israelites from being able to find refuge in Egypt when the famine struck, and they would subsequently die off. It is a facade, because God's power always trumps Satan's plans. Joseph did endure and remained faithful and hopeful and God rescued him in a big way.

Lucado also made a comment about Joseph being in prison that I absolutely love. He said, The dungeon looked like a prison, smelled like a prison, sounded like a prison, but had you asked the angels of heaven about Joseph's location they would have replied, "Oh, he's in boot camp." Yes! Because when I'm in the prison or the pit, I only have to remember; My Father said he will do this and I might not understand how he is going to accomplish through this mess, but I do know without a doubt it's gonna happen, so I'm going to believe and wait.

I'm struck at the difference in the way the Israelites would react to similar actions 400 years after Joseph, when Moses comes back and tells them, God is going to rescue you from Pharaoh, and you will no longer be slaves, but live as free men. Then Moses proceeded to go tell Pharaoh that God said let my people go and the first thing Pharaoh did was increase the burden and labor of the slaves. Yet, instead of saying to themselves, "Uh oh, Mr. Pharaoh you shouldn't do this because you are going to make our God mad". They instead whined about what unfair demands they have been saddled with. 

They have been enslaved for 400 years and Moses had just told them what God was going to do. Yet their response was to whine. Why not look down the road and say God said he will rescue us so that's what is going to happen and while Pharaoh may think he's hurting us all he is doing is making God mad and we are going to be rescued soon. Let's celebrate and make the last few batches of bricks for this tyrant and see what God will do.

For me today, I live under the covenant of God, yet I've neglected to remember the promises of his covenant, and I have been bitter and angry at times. Now as I read the word and listen to his revelations I want to write the promises down so I will be more like Joseph and know it's going to happen regardless of whether I can understand how, but I will believe because my God said it's going to happen and that is good enough for me.

God Speaks To Us Through Our Name

In Stasi Eldredge's book, Becoming Myself, she wrote that her name, Stasi, means resurrection. She went on to explain that her parents named her Stasi, but God named her resurrection. She also shared that this is appropriate because God has resurrected those parts of her heart that were dead, and now she knows her purpose because she knows her name. This has led her to reaching to all women who are broken and looking for God, so in a way she is the tool that God uses to resurrect other women. She encourages her readers to look at the meaning of your name and let God reveal who you are through what he has named you.

Kenneth means born of fire. Dale means dweller in the valley. So, my Father has named me born of fire and dwells in the valley. This shook me. During the boot camp I attended in August 2013, I shared that I heard compassionate son as the image of God I reflect in my masculinity. My Lord is a man who was unafraid of a fight and he also was most likely to be found where those who society and religion wrote off were congregating. In our time we reserve the valley as where we find our selves when something bad happens. "I'm in the valley and it's dark" or "I'll climb back to the peaks in time." So, my Father says I reflect his compassion and I should not be afraid to make a stand and dwell in the valley to free those who are prisoners bound by the kingdom of darkness. This was an incredible moment for me.

I then decided to look at my brides name and see what God named her through her parents. Susan means lily, and Marguerite means pearl. I asked God to reveal to me what he was trying to tell me in this exercise.  The first verse that came to mind was from Song of Songs 2:2, where Solomon say "Like a lily among the thorns is my darling among the young women. The second place he led me was to Matthew 13: 45-46, Again the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant of fine pearls, who, on finding one of great value, went and sold all that he had an bought it. The Father revealed to me that in the hurt and nastiness of life Susan shows beauty, and for me she represents the single pearl of great value who is worth all that I have. 

This revelation brought me back to a lesson I have been learning since May 13, 2013, when Susan left me for two nights and my back was firmly against the wall. Our Father has been active since that evening using what the enemy had used in his determination to destroy our marriage, into a tool that God is using to make us stronger than before. All I can really say is the valley is dark and deep, but grace runs deeper.  Use me Trinity to free those prisoners bound in the kingdom of darkness.