A Psalm from a Week in my Journey

12/07/14

Oh my God, why am I abandoned?
I tried to reach out and explain, but she despised me.
I asked a brother to come, please hear me. No! She forbids me to talk to you.
A sheriff is in my home as though I am a criminal.
She and her dad drive away without a single word or comment.
I am alone and abandoned; not worthy of help or care from either of them.
I lay on my bed with eyes wide open. There is no refuge even through sleep.

12/08/14

Oh my God; I am drained and exhausted.
I am alone now even at work.
I ask my supervisor for a few minutes of time and wait. There is no response.
Thirty minutes later I walk to his desk and ask again. “Oh sure.”
No one cares. I am despised by all.
Home is now a dark, empty prison. The silence is overbearing and fearful.
I am tired yet sleep eludes me another night.

12/09/14

I remain utterly alone and despised. No contact, no word, dreadful silence.
I have been abandoned to rot and decay.
Where are you God? Are you aware of this deep pain?
Do you care? Is this ache to remain in my stomach forever?
I go through motions. Anything to urge time onward.
My desire is for a single word. Yet she utters none.
Sleep is now an enemy for it too has abandoned me.

12/10/14

My soul, my heart, my body is exhausted and faint.
Even food brings no joy or strength. Only a bitter taste.
There is no joy in the world. Nor concern or care.
I called brothers from my past; confessing, sharing, seeking help.
They have not called back to check on my heart or on me.
Yes, I am completely abandoned,
My enemies they increase in number and now include those who I once spoke to face to face.

12/11/14

Physically I am sick. I am drained. I am sleepless.
A new brother invites me to his house. I find light in his company.
He shares words of hope, words of instruction, words of prayer. Indeed words from God.
Comfort is fleeting, but a life line has been thrown.
Oh my God. Five nights! I have prayed to you. Help! Heal! Comfort! Give me sleep!
Am I being heard? Am I worthy to be heard?
God, rescue me from total abandonment.

12/12/14

Another morning as bitter as the five preceding it.
I begin another day replicating my mechanical movements doing nothing.
There is a knock. I open the door and see the most beautiful face of all!
I am stunned, shocked. I collapse in sobs. Her hands reach, touch, and bring comfort.
Oh my God. You heard! You cared! You did not abandon me!
You spoke to her heart through a deep sadness,
and brought her to our door and the road home.
God; you are amazing and great. I will sing of your rescue with all my heart.
I will tell others of your grace and love for your fallen, broken children.

I Care for Bill Maher

Lately, I've been listening to many of Bill Maher's dialogues that have been uploaded to YouTube. I agree with much of what he says concerning the nastiness of many conservatives and I think he is spot on many times. However, as an adopted son of God I find him tragically wrong on his thoughts and opinions about my creator and father. In his dialogue about Noah he calls God a murderer of babies. He argues that those babies did nothing wrong, yet God wiped them out along with their parents during the flood. He is correct that any babies born right before the flood perished along with their parents, but his arguments about how this action destroys the character of God are not correct. I have been pondering how would one try to talk with Mr. Maher about this and two examples came to mind.

The first example I remembered occurred in the 1990's near Lubbock, Texas. A young couple with a new born were wiped out when an 18 wheeler plowed into them late at night while they were parked on the shoulder of highway 84 near Lubbock. That particular night the West Texas wind was howling making it difficult for the driver to keep the truck on the highway. The young father in this case did not want to spend money on a hotel, and decided to pull over on the shoulder and sleep for a bit. About two miles past where he had just driven was a picnic area that he could have pulled into which would have kept them even further from the highway, but he drove past that and pulled over where his young family were met with tragic results. It can be said he placed a higher priority on saving $90 a hotel room would have cost than his young wife and newborn son.  The innocent child perished with his parents not because God murdered him but because a poor choice put him in harm's way.

My second example happened as Hurricane Ike was approaching the Texas coast. The authorities in Galveston practically begged and pleaded with the population to get off the island. One of the news crews showed two young children standing with their parents at the sea wall watching the waves crash over it. The parents were acting like this was going to be a party and so much fun as they laughed along with their children at the waves. As the hurricane moved inland, the authorities began getting calls from those who foolishly chose to stay begging for help. All the authorities could say was we cannot help you, give us your information and we will respond when the storm is over. In one example, a woman began texting her friends sharing how bad it is getting. In one of her final texts she admitted, "I think I made a mistake by staying." Tragically she was correct and her body was found in the swampy marshes later. Her house having been completely destroyed she was washed inland by the surge. I do not know the outcome of the two young children and their parents. Those two innocent children may have perished as well, but not because God murdered them but because the two who were given responsibility to protect them made a foolish decision to stay like the lady above.

I don't believe Mr. Maher will be willing to listen to my examples. But like the babies during Noah's time they perished because their parents chose not to get on the ark for whatever reason and in my examples there is a rough correlation to the example of Noah. God is the controller of the West Texas wind and hurricane winds and he could have made the winds cease I suppose. Yet, the parents in both cases made a decision to stay in harm's way and in one case a newborn died, but not because God murdered him but because a tragic choice was made.

Compassion in Action

Ring the bells that still can ring,

Forget your perfect offering,

There is a crack, a crack in everything,

That's how the light gets in.  

From Anthem by Leonard Cohen

Ruth: Who hurt you once so far beyond repair?

Jean-Guy: Am I Ruth? Beyond repair?...........

Jean-Guy: Rosa came back.

Ruth: Yes.

Jean-Guy: I'm glad.

Ruth: She took the long way home. Some do you know. They seem lost. Sometimes they might even head off in the wrong direction. Lots of people give up, say they're gone forever, but I don't believe that. Some make it home eventually.

Jean-Guy Beauvoir knew then that he and Rosa hadn't been abandoned, they'd been saved.

From How the Light Gets In by Louise Penny

The fictional conversation between Jean-Guy and Ruth resonated deeply within my heart. So much so that I had to write it down in my journal after finishing the book and try to capture what my heart was telling me about me. As a person who was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in 2013, I could relate to the lostness of Jean-Guy. He was in a prison of his own making and did not know how to free himself, and then an angel in the form of an old, wounded woman, Ruth Zardo, sits by him on a bench and engages him in conversation. Ruth is a woman who keeps people at arms length seemingly to avoid getting too close to anyone. But, she knows Jean-Guy and deep inside she cares and loves enough to try to rescue him and somehow her words and action penetrated his heart and he listened.

In my life, I did not learn I was depressed until my 56th year. I did not know anything was wrong per se, except that I had a violent temper and there were times I could not control it and I would rage. I have shared my story in previous blogs about how my wife Susan rescued me as Ruth did Jean-Guy, and I am also thankful for my counselors Dr. Holland Miller and Dr. Linda Collings for helping me find my way back home. 

But there is another thing about the conversation penned by Louise Penny that resonates on such a deep level and that is that Ruth chose to not wash her hands but to get involved with a person that was not family, but a person nonetheless. In my story, there were many people who did wash their hands of me and in particular they are current long time members of the Church of Christ and I carry much anger towards them even today. In our church upbringing the thought seems to be that once a person is baptized and saved then any issues that "flare up" are caused by a hard, unrepentant heart and the onus is on the individual to straighten up or else that person can be left behind.  My anger is also fueled because specifically if three of these people had their wish, my wife would have divorced me and now be free of me. I can sympathize with those feelings on one level that of we've seen this happen time and again. But on the level of being a Christ follower I will not offer any of them them sympathy. So, I know if I had been sitting on the bench wanting a rescue many of that mindset would have left me there and not intervened on my behalf because I had not earned their help. Yet Ruth Zardo chose to get out from behind her walls and protective armor and reveal her caring heart to one who was lost and lonely. 

In the lyrics written by Leonard Cohen he says there is a crack, a crack in everything that's how the light gets in. His thought perfectly sums up how our Father worked in his world to rescue me. Everyone of us no matter how tidy or dirty has cracks in our hearts. The Father could have washed his hands of all of us and let us go, but instead he uses the cracks to reveal to his child that he is here. In my case his light got in through Susan, Travis, Daniel, Drs. Miller and Collings, Don, Pastor Jay, Art, Majure, Tom, Donna, Joey, Josh, Khaled, Tonya, Kathy, Al, Pat among others. This is important because no person is not worth the effort to try to rescue especially if you yourself have been rescued. The fictional conversation between Ruth and Jean-Guy paints a picture of compassion in action. Where the majority see someone who is disposable, compassion sees a lost person in need of care and help. Compassion sees a person who is worthy of rescue and worth fighting for. 

So the fictional conversation resonates because I know as a rescued person I must live as compassion in action. God uses the cracks in each of us to let the light get in, but the light doesn't bring the message another person must step into the light and say, "I've been rescued and I can offer you the hope I found if you want it." The world is hungry for such compassion. The world is desperately in need of such compassion.

In God We Trust

There is much uproar among Christians concerning the movement to remove the phrase "In God We Trust" from our currency. I don't know what to think about this really, because I find those that are speaking the loudest are also the ones who don't seem to be trusting the most. In God We Trust is not so much something we carry in our pocket as much as we live in our lives.  These four words should be our testimony not a phrase.

Consider the Israelites for a moment. God appeared to Moses through the burning bush and told him he has heard the cries of his people enslaved by the Egyptians. God told Moses to go to Pharaoh and demand he free them so they could go into the desert and worship God. Before Moses went to Pharaoh he went to share the good news with the Israelites to tell them they will soon be free. Moses then goes to Pharaoh and tells him what God said and Pharaoh rebuffs the demand and increases the burden on the Israelites. Now, if a people trust in God then they would have said something along the lines of Pharaoh is making a big mistake. He's playing with not only fire, but the one who created fire and he's going to get burned very badly if he doesn't free us. God said we are going to be free and that's what's going to happen because In God We Trust. Rather than react this way the Israelites instead complained loudly. They moan and groan about the burden placed on them and blame Moses for causing this. God told them they were going to be free, but he did not tell them what they would go through to get their freedom so they took their eyes off the promise and focused on the present.

In the same way, those of us today who say In God We Trust should live like we really trust him. God said I'm going to be with him in eternity and no matter what the circumstances are that I go through that should be where my focus remains. God doesn't tell me what I am going to go through in order to get to eternity in heaven and it would be wonderful if I had a storm free life. Yet the reality is I have been through many storms thus far and probably have a few more to go through yet ahead, but my God said I'll be with him in eternity and that's good enough for me because In God I Trust.

That is what this phrase should mean. It shouldn't make any difference if it is on our currency or not, because that phrase should be our testimony. That phrase should be how we live our lives. Live like you believe it. God, Father, this is a hard revelation you have shown me, I'm no different than the Israelites and take my eyes off the promise and focus on the present. I want my life to be a testimony that speaks to others in such a way that they say In God He Trusts. Keep the promise of heaven before me and teach me how to keep my focus on the destination and not the journey to the destination. Amen

The Great Command

Love God. We take those words so much for granted that we hardly stop to wonder where they are seeking to take us.

Hear, O Israel. It was in a wilderness that these great words of Moses were trumpeted forth in the first place; with the only thing to keep them going was the hope of a promised land.

My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? In a way Jesus words are a love song, the greatest love song of them all.

All quotes from Fredrick Buechner

These stirring words from Fredrick Buechner resonates deeply within me. They remind me that I all too often forget that the command to love God has a purpose to it. The command is not a static command where all I need to do is flip the switch from off to on. If I live the command the result is the command will actively lead me out of the wilderness I have stumbled through for so long to the promised land God has spoken about. It is like an awakening where I stop for a moment from my destinationless wanderings and look around and understand I am hopelessly lost and absolutely nothing around me looks very appealing or comforting. Then as I stand there in my hopelessness I hear the words, "Hear, O Ken, the Lord your God is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all you soul, and with all your strength. Love me Ken and I will lead you to a land flowing with milk and honey. Love me Ken and your destinationless wanderings will have a destination and the journey I will guide you in getting there will be incredible."

The words do not stop there however. The example of Jesus speaks deeply as well. "Love me Ken, even in those moments where you do not see me, hear me, feel me, or even sense me. Love me Ken when the utter loneliness is so deep the words you utter are like a love song."

Father, Father, I long so much for you. Where are you? I only want you to be here with me. 

We Have Good News

II Kings 7:9 Then they said to each other, what we are doing is not right. This is a day of good news and we are keeping it to ourselves.

This is the comment of one of 4 lepers who decided to go into the camp of the enemy and surrender to them in the hope the enemy would show them some compassion. Their city had been subjected to a long and brutal siege that was starving the population to death.  The circumstances were so severe that the people had begun to kill and eat their own children, so the lepers decided to go to the enemy camp and surrender to be fed or killed. It made no difference which because they were so hungry they were willing to chance that some mercy still remained in the enemy's heart.

The straits for the population were so dire and they were so weak from starvation they had no power to fight for themselves. Yet during the night the enemy heard the sounds of God's army all around them and they got up and fled in a panic. Simply the noise of marching caused the enemy to get up and run and leave behind all of their stores. They didn't even comtemplate where such an army could have come from. They were filled with the dread of the awesome God.

When you have gotten to the moment where you are so desperate that you would even welcome death, that is a sign that the enemy has convinced you that you are in a hopeless place and no one not even God can rescue you. Yet, that is precisely the time that God shows up to eliminate any question in your mind that you had a hand in changing your circumstance or bringing about your rescue. God shows up when the only rescue possible is through his power. 

When you are able to get up from death's bed and enjoy a bountiful feast how can you keep that to yourself? You are compelled to tell every starving, beaten down, weary, hopeless, imprisoned, blind, sick person, "Wait! Do not give up because I have good news for you. I too was going through your situation and I also saw no hope for rescue, no hope for help and God showed up! He rescued me and I want you to know he can rescue you as well."

Depression is not a Sin

John 9: 2-3, Rabbi who sinned this man or his parents that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him.

As I read this conversation between the disciples and Jesus I am struck by how closely this comes to home for me. Society has not really changed much in the 2,000 years that have passed since Jesus walked the earth. Sure the technology of today exceeds what the world had during Jesus days, but the attitudes of society remains the same today as 2,000 years ago. People still look at others and make judgements such as someone is at fault that this man was born this way, but who sinned himself or his parents? If he had been more pure this would not have happened so too bad!

Jesus turns those arguments and attitudes on their head, because he essentially tells them this is what occurs when you inhabit a world that is broken. Little innocent babies are born blind, deformed, deaf, mute, autistic, etc., but God can use those the world shuns and show his power through them. In this mans case in John 9, God chose to restore the man's eye sight. That the world believed his blindness was the consequence of a sin, and now he can see should tell the world your thoughts are wrong so learn to adjust your beliefs, because in a world that is not broken this man would have been born with eye sight the same as the rest of you. 

In the same way, people look upon those who are depressed and say it's their fault. Fix the attitude and your depression goes away, or if you are spiritual enough you would never get depressed. The problem with that argument is my depression has a genetic component. I inherited it, so neither my parents nor myself sinned. My depression like the man born blind is simply a result of this broken world we inhabit. Like the man born blind I cannot reverse it or heal it, but God can work through it to show his works through me.

I have not been healed, but we live in a world where medication and counseling can help depressed people live quality lives. I did not get diagnosed until 56 years of age, and that was God's timing because at that time I was ready to listen to others who knew something was wrong with me. After six weeks of counseling my doctor sent me to another doctor who asked pointed questions and after I answered all of them she told me I am clinically depressed and have been for a long time. She then prescribed a medication that worked well for me. The medication combined with the counseling combined with Celebrate Recovery combined with daily time with God has brought me to the point where I can tell others what God has done for me. 

I will always have to take my medication, but that does not mean God has not healed me. That means for me I need medication to function in a broken world, and God uses the medication to give me a clarity I have never had and he can use me to touch others who don't understand they are depressed. 

Jesus who sinned, Ken or his parents that he was born with depression? Neither Ken nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. Glorify yourself through my illness Father, because you have rescued me from the precipice and I can share that with others who are hurting and help lead them to you.