The Story of My Desire

This morning at church one of our Pastor's shared that while weeding his garden the spirit spoke to him that this is the same thing God has to do within us to pull out the weeds in our lives by the roots. I was moved by his words. I had noticed I was allowing certain things to creep into my life and treating them as harmless, while I knew in my subconscious this is something the enemy can use to get a "toe" hold in my life that he will then use very strongly against me. I had let a spirit of lust begin to whisper things to me and rather than shut my ears I allowed the thoughts to lead me into a "safe" search of fully clothed beautiful women. However, the enemy was going to push me inch by inch into more explicit pictures. So, the words of the pastor were meant to speak to my heart and I was able to ask God for his healing and to invite him into my heart to remove the weed by the roots from my heart. The powerful thing is that his words also spoke to other family members as well, because many brothers and sisters approached the altar and prayed while the pastor lifted his words to God. This proves there are no coincidences in the fellowship of God's children. He really does speak to us.

I have been reading through the book, Sacred Romance by Brent Curtis and John Eldredge for my second time. The message is so powerful, we find ourselves floating along in life wondering if we are missing something. Why would we have these feelings if we have been successful according to the world? Why would we conclude we've missed out on something if we aren't after needs, but are pursuing wants? Where does this sense of dissatisfaction come from? These men say it is the wooing of God that is distracting us. They remind their readers that we are not an accident we were created.  The creator placed within each one of our hearts a desire that never lets us go. We tend to appease this desire by pursuing status, money, accolades, among other things believing that is what the desire seeks. Yet each time we achieve something we find the dissatisfaction is still there, so something is not making sense.

We come to get a brief glimpse that everything we have pursued till now has not been what the desire was really leading us to. Craig McConnell explained to a young man in Killing Lions, "I think that God has this phenomenal ability in training and developing a (young) man to use what we might view as wasted time or not on target time to just work character, internal issues that are actually essential to the fulfillment of our dreams. In God's economy what he is doing in each of us is in reality no wasted time, because he's after something."  So I can say yes! My career time allowed God to show me things that I needed to see and it finally came down to a dark night of the soul on May 13, 2013 when I had a terrible meltdown and had no place else to turn except to God. This last year and a half, (5/13 - 9/14), has been a tremendous time of growth and understanding for me. I have learned my desire is to understand that God created me to reflect his compassion to those I come in contact with. When I do that I find that I am living within God's story and he allows me to play an important part in freeing those sitting in dungeons of darkness, or releasing those held captive by the enemy, or helping those who are blind to see. I don't know fully this desire, but I am seeing glimpses and I find my smaller story as a petroleum engineer is not nearly as exciting and fulfilling as God's real story. 

David Wilcox summarized this way in his song, Show the Way:

                                 In this scene set in shadows

                                 Like the night is here to stay

                                 There is evil cast around us

                                 But it's love that wrote the play.

I've a part in the play written by love, but occupied by evil. Evil will never have the final word, because evil did not write the story, the story was written by my great God.

But Don't You Know Who You Are?

The Landing Ministry at First Baptist Covington began on August 5 of this year. The young men are divided by age, 6 - 8 grade, 9 - 10 grade, and 11 - 12 grade. The first month has gotten off to an excellent start.

Today, 9/13/14, as I was browsing the internet I was struck by the names of the high profile individuals among us who have recently come out and publicly shared they are a recovering (blank). I admire the courage that it takes for these folks to stand up and admit they have an addiction to something harmful.  It struck me, because I had no clue they were going through the struggles they were so all of them were able to successfully hide their addictions from the public. It also struck me to ask why was I surprised at some of them who came out? Why should I be surprised really? After all they are finding that the success and adoration they sought from the public was not giving them the expectations or affirmations they were looking for. Money, fame, success, attention, and adulation, these are some things most of us seek believing that when we get them we will be satisfied with our lives. Yet, most folks who do get these attain these very things find themselves to still feel empty inside. They still feel lonely. They still ache. 

It is not of course isolated to the Hollywood types. In life I have seen many who believed that promotions, raises, bonuses, ratings, recognitions would lead them to the place where satisfaction with life is found. Yet, they have to start over the next year striving for the very same things. Many of them are just getting started in their careers and already they have bought luxury cars, large homes, and other material attempts to keep the aches at bay and some are finding it is not working. In a few more years many of them will be joining the high profile individuals who have to admit they are a recovering (blank). 

During one of our Tuesday Landing sessions the band sang a song I had never heard before and the lead sang a haunting question the song asks, "But don't you know who you are?" I was struck by that question and I could not get it out of my mind. After the session I approached the lead singer and asked the name of the song that had the question, "But don't you know who you are?", and he shared that the title of the song is You Are More by 10th Avenue North. I downloaded the song and was listening to it on my way to work one morning and the question resonated again and I felt the spirit teaching me that - No, most people don't know who they are because they have not been taught. How can they know? You must tell them.

In the Jr. High open share group we end each session with that specific question to each young person in the group.  ....., do you know who you are? The first time we told him the answer, you are a beloved son of God or the King! Then asked the next one the same question and gave him the same answer. Now as we close the session the young men are answering they do know who they are. Maybe in a few years when these young men begin the search they'll remember where to go for the affirmation they are searching for, and they'll go to their father as he reminds them you are a beloved son and I cherish you deeply. Those who have come out and admitted they are in recovery, I propose that you don't know who you are and when you learn you are a beloved son or daughter of the king your life will change! You are more!

Don't Forget There are Two Realms

My journey through recovery is now at 15 months. The view of today contrasted to May 13, 2013 is a complete 180 to use the cliche, yet it is the only adequate description that can be applied. It strikes me that I cannot offer proof that my life has changed, because all anyone else can do is observe and conclude for themselves whether a real change has occurred or am I merely posing while wearing a different mask? In this case my words saying I have changed are not enough and I believe that should not be the final answer for everyone to have to accept either.  However, if proof is the only form to allow acceptance to happen then mankind is in trouble, because most people would choose to say I am skeptical and will choose to wait years if need be to say "Aha! See I knew he was not different."

Is there an adequate answer then? While reading a testimony about a person going through the grief of losing his wife, the comment was made that sometimes all a person can do is acknowledge that all they can do is say to God, "thy will be done." This thought triggered a revelation from the spirit in my heart.

It strikes me that when we pray; "Father, thy will be done.", this is really a prayer of understanding and acceptance. It represents understanding because we are acknowledging that - God, I know you can alter this. I know you can heal my loved one. I know without question you are able and you have the power. All it takes is a single word from your lips and the present course will be altered, and the outcome will be changed. 

However, the above cannot be the final sentence of what thy will be done suggests. we must also continue in our prayer and say, "Yet for your reason you have chosen not to do what I have asked, and though my grief is great and suffocating, I trust you and submit to thy will."

This revelation sugests to me that we occupy two realms in our lives. The first is realm of proof. This realm is essentially everything is black or white in a manner of speaking. This is the realm of sight, touch, taste, hear, and smell. The realm of proof is the realm of our senses. There is no place for doubt, because our senses have confirmed the reality of the moment. But what of the inquiry of the one who has lost a loved one or my initial statement that my life is now 180 from a year ago. These things cannot be proved with the senses alone.

Here is what I mean. When someone loses a loved one those of us who are not grieving typically say he/she is in a better place. He is in a place of joy. She is free from pain in her new home. We say these things yet we cannot prove them at all. Like the thy will be done prayer, those who are grieving and those who are being transformed are in the other realm that exists beyond proof. The answers to the questions that the senses cannot provide are found in the realm of love. That transcendental realm where God, Jesus and the spirit are found. The realm of love is where we must go when we are seeking the peace, comfort and understanding that the realm of proof is unable to provide.

Where does a Nomad Call His Home?

One of the basic of all Bible stories is the journey of human beings, exiled from all that is familiar, who find home. Lynda Weaver Williams from foreword in The Glad River.

This thought intrigues me because I've lived a nomadic life. My parents moved 4 times during my youth and I have followed that with 7 moves during my professional career. At my current age of 57 that is an average of 5.2 years, (57/11), at each place.  While I did find gifts of beauty at each city where I have lived I can't say the longing for home ever left me. I enjoyed those homes in those cities but I never came to think I am home. My question then becomes how do you find home? Is the emptiness I feel telling me I'm not home yet?

Our longing is for home, but where is that for a people who have lived nomadic lives? Both sets of my grandparents lived out of state and we made annual trips to visit them. I loved the country living of my maternal grandparents and the quiet smallness of the town my paternal grandparents lived in. Yet, whenever we visited them there was never a feeling that we were returning home. Last summer I spent 4 days in the Rocky Mountains west of Denver and my time there can be described as beautiful and breathtaking, but they weren't home and when it came time to leave I felt no drawing to stay there. Colorado was nothing more than just a place to visit. 

I lived in California and enjoyed gold panning, the redwoods, and the mountains, but when I was transferred to Houston I picked up and left with barely a look in my rear view mirror. I fear westerners have lost the comfort of home, because we have become nomadic and have tried to convince ourselves that home is wherever you live. It's not! Of the 11 places I have lived in my life time, none of them ever felt like home. In the River Dance play there is a moment when a young couple has to leave their island and migrate to America. As they are preparing to leave the wife, stands and looks out over the countryside as though she is trying to burn the image into her memory. Her husband takes her hand and then they turn and walk away. At the last moment before boarding the boat the husband takes a quick glance back to see their land for the last time. That is my thought of what it means to have a home. A place your heart longs to be. A place that tugs at your soul. A place that you can tell others about with much detail. Home. Where are you?

Remember the Promises

I've read a couple of books authored by Max Lucado on the story of Joseph, and I have been moved by some of his thoughts. We all know that before Joseph was sold into slavery by his brothers that God spoke to him through two dreams and revealed to Joseph that one day his family would bow to him. I am convinced that God was telling Joseph you are not going to be worshipped, but soon something is going to happen to you and these dreams are going to remind you to hold on, because I am God and I have told you your family will bow down to you. So as Joseph was led off in chains and his pleas for mercy to his brothers went unheard, this would have presented a great moment for him to have a crises of faith, and not only this but all the other things that happened to him along the way as well. Being falsely accused and imprisoned for rape, to telling another good news and asking him to speak to Pharaoh on his behalf only to be forgotten. Joseph had many moments to forget his two dreams. Yet, he held on. It is as though while wearing the heavy chains of the slave owners, he knew, I've been called to more than this (Max Lucado).

I have no clue why all this happened the way it did, but I do have a thought. The enemy was aware that God was going to bring his son into the world through the lineage of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. If he could destroy the line he would prevent God's plan from coming into fruition. So he used every means within his power to destroy Joseph, first by enslaving him, then imprisoning him. With Joseph safely tucked away in the dungeons of Egypt, there would be no way the line could be preserved, assuming he knew about the famine that was coming. This would keep the Israelites from being able to find refuge in Egypt when the famine struck, and they would subsequently die off. It is a facade, because God's power always trumps Satan's plans. Joseph did endure and remained faithful and hopeful and God rescued him in a big way.

Lucado also made a comment about Joseph being in prison that I absolutely love. He said, The dungeon looked like a prison, smelled like a prison, sounded like a prison, but had you asked the angels of heaven about Joseph's location they would have replied, "Oh, he's in boot camp." Yes! Because when I'm in the prison or the pit, I only have to remember; My Father said he will do this and I might not understand how he is going to accomplish through this mess, but I do know without a doubt it's gonna happen, so I'm going to believe and wait.

I'm struck at the difference in the way the Israelites would react to similar actions 400 years after Joseph, when Moses comes back and tells them, God is going to rescue you from Pharaoh, and you will no longer be slaves, but live as free men. Then Moses proceeded to go tell Pharaoh that God said let my people go and the first thing Pharaoh did was increase the burden and labor of the slaves. Yet, instead of saying to themselves, "Uh oh, Mr. Pharaoh you shouldn't do this because you are going to make our God mad". They instead whined about what unfair demands they have been saddled with. 

They have been enslaved for 400 years and Moses had just told them what God was going to do. Yet their response was to whine. Why not look down the road and say God said he will rescue us so that's what is going to happen and while Pharaoh may think he's hurting us all he is doing is making God mad and we are going to be rescued soon. Let's celebrate and make the last few batches of bricks for this tyrant and see what God will do.

For me today, I live under the covenant of God, yet I've neglected to remember the promises of his covenant, and I have been bitter and angry at times. Now as I read the word and listen to his revelations I want to write the promises down so I will be more like Joseph and know it's going to happen regardless of whether I can understand how, but I will believe because my God said it's going to happen and that is good enough for me.

God Speaks To Us Through Our Name

In Stasi Eldredge's book, Becoming Myself, she wrote that her name, Stasi, means resurrection. She went on to explain that her parents named her Stasi, but God named her resurrection. She also shared that this is appropriate because God has resurrected those parts of her heart that were dead, and now she knows her purpose because she knows her name. This has led her to reaching to all women who are broken and looking for God, so in a way she is the tool that God uses to resurrect other women. She encourages her readers to look at the meaning of your name and let God reveal who you are through what he has named you.

Kenneth means born of fire. Dale means dweller in the valley. So, my Father has named me born of fire and dwells in the valley. This shook me. During the boot camp I attended in August 2013, I shared that I heard compassionate son as the image of God I reflect in my masculinity. My Lord is a man who was unafraid of a fight and he also was most likely to be found where those who society and religion wrote off were congregating. In our time we reserve the valley as where we find our selves when something bad happens. "I'm in the valley and it's dark" or "I'll climb back to the peaks in time." So, my Father says I reflect his compassion and I should not be afraid to make a stand and dwell in the valley to free those who are prisoners bound by the kingdom of darkness. This was an incredible moment for me.

I then decided to look at my brides name and see what God named her through her parents. Susan means lily, and Marguerite means pearl. I asked God to reveal to me what he was trying to tell me in this exercise.  The first verse that came to mind was from Song of Songs 2:2, where Solomon say "Like a lily among the thorns is my darling among the young women. The second place he led me was to Matthew 13: 45-46, Again the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant of fine pearls, who, on finding one of great value, went and sold all that he had an bought it. The Father revealed to me that in the hurt and nastiness of life Susan shows beauty, and for me she represents the single pearl of great value who is worth all that I have. 

This revelation brought me back to a lesson I have been learning since May 13, 2013, when Susan left me for two nights and my back was firmly against the wall. Our Father has been active since that evening using what the enemy had used in his determination to destroy our marriage, into a tool that God is using to make us stronger than before. All I can really say is the valley is dark and deep, but grace runs deeper.  Use me Trinity to free those prisoners bound in the kingdom of darkness.

2014 - A New Year A New Perspective

Physicists say they are able to get to 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds, (10^-43), of the big bang. Yet, even though this number is so incredibly small, physicists admit that at present they cannot get to absolute t = 0, because they cannot fathom the “singularity” that existed before the universe began. As close as the theorists are to t = 0 it is difficult to comprehend that they are unable to get there. So the question is why can’t they get all the way to t = 0? Why does it remain just beyond their grasp? While it is so close it might as well be billions of miles away!

The reason is because what the physicists are seeking is before existence, and before time. They are trying to explain pre-creation and I believe this will always be beyond them. Pre-creation is the “realm” of the trinity, the fellowship of the trinity with one another. This fellowship was so wonderful, so glorious that Jesus prayed about it in the garden before he was arrested. John 20:24; “Father I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.” Before the universe, Jesus was with his Father and he wants to return to that relationship. All we can postulate from this prayer is the trinity was together, and their existence preceded everything we can see, touch, smell, taste and hear. Therefore their realm will always be beyond our grasp, because the trinity did not come from us but before us. What an incredible testimony of the fellowship of the trinity the most intelligent people among us are giving the rest of us whether they will admit it or not. These incredibly intelligent people can make sense of the universe to a very short time after the universe came into being, but they are unable to explain or even describe t = 0 or before.

In the boot camps that John Eldredge hosts he shares that we can try to understand the fellowship of the trinity by looking at the opening scene of Last of the Mohicans. The scene opens and we see three people running through the woods. Two are together and the third is someplace else within the same woods running and driving a deer to a specific place in the woods. It is this picture that the physicists are trying to deduce and t = 0 is meaningless as a result. This movement together, this fellowship of the trinity we are only able to get a brief glimpse of it in reality through words like the prayer of Jesus in John 20:24.

The reason I am sharing these thoughts is because I was very full of myself during my 20 – 30’s. I loved that science could provide so many explanations about our universe and our existence. I also had a deep desire for science to render God unimportant. I wanted to find life elsewhere on Mars for instance, because I believed that would prove that God does not exist. Truthfully, I must be honest and confess I hated God. Yet the trinity would not give me up. I was continually being drawn to thinking about God and I also began having revelations in the form of questions that were and remain difficult to answer. The following is among some of the many questions that tormented me:

• If I am so special why is my life so messed up?
• If I am so amazing why do I feel so small when standing on the shore of God’s ocean?
• If I am so deep and contemplative why was I so humbled by God’s Grand Canyon?
• If I’ve got all the answers why am I so angry?
• If I judge others so harshly why do I not judge myself as harshly since I do the same things?
• If I know it all why aren’t I satisfied and content with life?
• If I am so significant why do I see all the stars as they were and not as they are right now?
• If I am so great why doesn’t the world recognize that?

I believe these questions came about from the spirit through nudging, whispers, and promptings to make me look at myself with no blinders on. I also began to notice that things I had read previously in the word seemed to yield new discoveries for me as though I was reading the verse for the first time. I also experienced the nudging, whispering, and prompting through the writings of others such as Jennifer Rothchild, Henry Blackaby and sons, Philip Yancey, Brennan Manning, Henri Nouwen, and John Eldredge among others. Revelations also began coming to me through songs, and movies as well as brothers. The trinity also used nature to speak to me of the glorious realm before time. It was especially through the words and thoughts of John Eldredge that the trinity started touching deep places within me. Eldredge asked, “Why do certain images and movie scenes resonate so deeply within us?”, and I began to ask the trinity this question about myself. The answer that came back is because this is the heart that God placed in me, and those pictures and images resonate with me because they touch the desire that is hardwired within me to drive me to God. I will find no satisfaction through anything else or anyone else, and if I try to find satisfaction elsewhere I will be frustrated at every attempt. Then in August 2013 on a small platform above a stream in the Rocky Mountains near Fraser, Colorado, the trinity revealed to me that I am called a compassionate son, because that is the image I reflect of the trinity in my masculinity.

Finally, as proof that what physicists are trying to decipher at t = 0 is unreachable; I will share a transformation in me that the trinity began bringing about in 2013. Unfortunately and foremost I had to reach bottom in order to understand the trinity, and I reached bottom the evening of May 13, 2013. Since then through therapy and the revelations I mentioned above below are words that describe me 5 years ago and words that describe me today. The contrast is startling, and this should not be possible either because there should be no reason for me to want to change or look within myself.

5 years ago                              Today

Critical                     Awakening – I’m becoming conscious of my purpose

Harsh                      Clarity – I have focus of how to respond to life

Rigid                        Grateful – Susan leaving shocked me to seeing myself

Unapproachable      Hopeful – I have tools, skills, abilities to use and change my responses

Angry                       Determined – I do not want to go back to my old life

In the garden before his arrest Jesus prayed that we would see his glory that was before the world. I reflect some of that glory through compassion which is why I was created and why I exist. Physicists can try to get to t = 0, but in reality all they really need to do is look at those who know their purpose and reflect characteristics of the trinity and they will get a glimpse of what t = 0 was like.