Maybe The Story Isn't About Me

I've begun reading the book of Joshua in my time in God's word.  The first 5 chapters shows that Moses has died and Joshua has assumed the mantel of leader for the Israelites. At this point, Israel has been wandering for 40 years in the wilderness and they have yet to enter the promised land. So they are preparing to enter their land, their home for the first time and the Jordan river is at flood stage. This is the first obstacle thrown at the Israelites as they prepare to enter their land, their home. A river at flood stage is angry; nothing can stand under the force that moving water brings to bear. Yet God is not deterred, the river is his servant and he stops the water so his people can cross the Jordan on dry land. As the people are crossing they are told to pick up 12 stones from the river bed and set them up on the other side as a reminder of what God did for them so they could cross the river. The point here is for the people to remember what God has done for them. This seems to be a problem. We have difficulty remembering that God is with us and remembering the great things he has done for us. Knowing all about our memory issues God essentially tells the people, take 12 stones that no human eye has ever seen and no human eye would ever see if I did not hold back the waters so you could cross.  In the future, return to this spot at times and remember me and my power. Once every person is safely on the home side of the river, the waters return to their angry flood flowing stage. 

Israel is now in hostile territory and they cannot turn back. It is not enough that they are on the home side of the river, they must first drive out those who currently reside there in order for the land to be theirs. They must fight. So the first thing God says is the men must be circumcised before they can go into battle. OK, I have an issue with this. My attitude would be why are we doing this? We are backed up against an angry, flood stage river and in front of us are people who have no intention of leaving their homes without a fight and you want to inflict severe pain on myself and all the men at the same time before we fight them? This makes no sense. Should the enemy attack while we are in pain we will be unable to defend ourselves. This battle plan is full of holes!

Maybe God is reminding them, this story, this fight is not about you, it's about me. Maybe God is teaching the Israelites your enemies cannot get to you without coming through me, and they'll never get through me. I believe God is using this story to teach me that I have to trust him in the same vulnerable way. I have to make myself vulnerable and weak and force myself to understand that my survival and my well being are in his hands as they have always been even when I didn't understand that. Maybe that is the point! Trust God to shield me if my heart belongs to him.

A Dad's Words to His Son and Daughter-in-law as They Begin Their Journey Together

June 1, 2013 - Rehearsal Dinner, County Line on the Hill, Austin, Texas - 8:00 PM

First, let me express my appreciation to everyone who is here celebrating with Travis and Abbie tonight.  Travis and Abbie, this weekend is a weekend parents long for, and dream of. To know that their children will not be alone in life’s journey.  I want to speak to you for the next few minutes and share some things with both of you that are on my heart.  But first, Travis and Abbie do you remember the evening I went to A&M so I could worship with you at Breakaway?  I want to share something with Abbie and everyone else from that evening.  After we finished our meal, we drove back to the rental house Abbie was staying at so you could get your parking permit for me in case I needed it at the arena. I pulled into the driveway and parked and you jumped out and ran inside while Travis and I waited for you in the truck.  Now let me describe the day it was a late fall evening, the sun was getting low on the horizon, there was not a cloud in the sky and there was a crispness to the atmosphere. Abbie,  when you came out of the house and was walking towards us, everything came together and you were stunning. I’ll confess, my jaw dropped and Travis was real quiet and I had that dad’s moment of panic for his son and I looked at Travis and asked, “Travis, are you sure she likes you?”  Well, he’s Travis and he was sure and Abbie all of us in our family think of you as a treasure.  That was a special night and there were some other things that occurred and I captured those moments in my journal because I didn’t want the day to fade away to memory. And October 19,2010 is one of those days I wanted to keep in my heart for the rest of my life.  You will find that you will also have special kind of days that you’ll want to cherish and not lose.

I do want to take a few minutes and share some things with you from my heart. First, as you begin your marriage journey, Travis and Abbie you must remember that we have an enemy who hates strong marriages.  Now, you won’t have to worry about him tonight and you won’t even have to worry about him tomorrow, because he is looking one year down the road, five years down the road, a decade down the road or longer.  However, long it will take him to work to make your marriage routine. If you allow you marriage to become routine or a marriage of routines then you will not be a threat to what he is working to accomplish in this world. For the most part, you will see evidence very soon at how effective he is at destroying marriages so you don’t want him to get a foothold.

So, I am asking you to take some time and talk together tonight before you say good night and consider making a promise to each other that you will pray together everyday and invite God into your marriage. I’m talking about each person praying out loud in the presence of the other inviting God into your marriage. 

It is not just because of the enemy I’m asking you to make this promise to each other. The other reason I’m asking you to talk about this tonight is because tomorrow the happily ever after part of your journey does not begin.  You will have storms.  Now most of the storms will be like getting caught in a gully washer without an umbrella.  You’ll get wet, you’ll get irritated, but you’ll dry off change your clothes and move on.  However, there will be some storms that you will see coming your way. They’ll be like those west Texas thunderstorms we used to watch Travis.  Where the clouds grow dark and angry, the wind blows, lightning flashes, the thunder booms and all you can do is shelter in place until they pass. After those kind of storms you’ll find that you will reflect on them because they make a significant impact on you. Then there will be those handful of storms that I liken to a category five hurricane.  Where is will feel like the most powerful storm this world can produce is focusing all of its fury and power on you. In these kind of storms, you wonder, are we going to make it through this one?  By my count, mom and I have been through 3 such storms in 32 years so that gives you an idea of the frequency that these types of storms occur.

Now here’s the thing. Prayer will not stop the storms from coming.  They’re going to come. But taking the time to pray and invite God into your marriage is one way you can put Jesus words into action. To paraphrase what Jesus said, the wise couple build their marriage on the rock.  The rain falls, the wind blows, and the waves beat against that marriage, but it stands because it is built on the rock.  Remember, when you invite God into your marriage then the power of the one going through the storm with you is greater than the power of the storm.

OK, I’m almost finished. Also, during the course of tonight I encourage you to look around this room and take some mental snapshots of everyone who is here tonight and remember this.  Everyone who is here tonight will fight for your marriage, so don’t be too proud or too ashamed to call. If you need us to come and encircle you and shield you from the world for a time, we will do that. Or if your need us to come alongside you and stand by you and stand with you, we will do that.  But, here's the thing, if you don’t call, we can’t come so call. And remember from time to time we all need community.

Travis: I love you and I’m proud of you. Abbie: I love you and I’m proud of you. And kids, I’m here and I’m available, so if you need me call and I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and rush to your side and do whatever I am capable of doing. Now, I would like to offer up a prayer and ask God’s blessing on you may I do that? 

Let’s approach God now.  Father, first we lift up words of deep appreciation to you that we all are here to celebrate this most sacred weekend with Travis and Abbie. Father, in your word you shared with us that the heavens declare your glory, and we hope that Travis and Abbie will declare your glory just as majestically through their marriage.  Father, we also hope that Travis and Abbie will invite you into their marriage every day that they are in one another’s company, so that through their marriage you will be able to show others what grace looks like in people.  Finally Father, we pray that Travis and Abbie will have a strong marriage that the enemy hates and that through their strong union they will make you visible to those souls who do not see you. Father, Travis and Abbie now leave their families and cleave to one another as you designed from the beginning, and we ask your blessing to be on them. Amen.

From Wandering to Redeeming Grace This is My Last Hope

I have started my Bible reading in Genesis following the rage event of earlier this week. I decided to go back to the beginning as I have hit rock bottom and do not know where else to turn. I am struck by how most people can quote the initial verse of the Bible, In the beginning God created.....God created! If the question is why does God get to make all the rules? The answer we must come to is "well, actually this is all his and I am included in the this." God was, and at that very moment our wonderful world was formless and empty which means I had no chance of coming into existence unless God decided that I would come into being. 

So God created and I exist at his pleasure and he did not create me to rage or create me full of rage. That is something I have picked up on my own when I left the trail he had set me on. My quest now becomes where did I get off the trail and how can I get back on the trail again?  There is one clue close to the beginning. In the creation story we learn that it doesn't take Adam and Eve very long to be banished from the garden. Then we see that within one generation mankind develops anger, hatred, rage and then learns how to murder. So Cain got off the trail, yet God did not kill Cain for murdering Abel, but banished him to be a wanderer for his remaining days. So we go from Adam and Eve disobeying the word of God to Cain committing the first murder and from then forward, the wickedness of mankind continues to pile up and up, and even seems to accelerate to even deeper depravity. Yet in the midst of accelerating evilness a remarkable thing occurs. Genesis 4:26 At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord. 

It is as though people come to hate the separation from God, and while clueless on how to get back on the trail, they intuitively understand that they have no power to get themselves back on the trail even though that is their desire. So, they call on the name of the Lord. This is actually profound, because people generally have to hit bedrock bottom before they will admit - my attempts at redeeming myself have failed and I have no other choice but to confess that I can't do it on my own.  I am powerless and who else has the power required to fix me? Who else can I call on that will result in real, and meaningful change. The first principle of Celebrate Recovery is Realize that I am not God and admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to rage and that my life is unmanageable. This allows me to embrace the second principle, Earnestly believe the God exists, that I matter to him, and he has the power to help me recover.  

This is my Genesis 4:26 moment, where I call upon the name of the Lord. I am powerless and I have mucked up my marriage and I cannot repair it, so I call on you God and ask in desperation is there any hope? I want to get on the trail you initially set me on, but all my attempts have brought me to this place, this moment and I feel I cannot sink any lower. You have said no one will ever find themselves in a place beyond the reach of grace. So God, then help me.  My marriage is over and I am to blame, yet grace is perhaps the only thing I have left to hold on for. Lord, I need you, oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness, oh God how I need you. (Lord, I Need You - Matt Maher)

A Dark, Dark Night and Then Grace

My previous post was a summarization of the grace that was exhibited in the play Les' Miserables, and a few hours following that post I was to have a serious meltdown at home and fly off into a rage against the woman I am in love with.  Yet if you had heard my words and the volume at which I yelled them, there is no way that you would have concluded that love is an accurate word to describe how I feel about her.

I was in a severe funk that I could not pull myself out of and so I resorted to an anger and a rage that resulted in her fearing for her safety. After my meltdown, I went to bed and was drifting off to sleep when I heard Susan unlocking the bedroom door. She came into the bedroom, and told me she is not staying here she is leaving to go to a hotel room, and she has called the sheriff to come and help her to leave. I was stunned and in disbelief, but she was not going to be swayed by any words I would say. Three deputies were in the house prepared to subdue me if I attempted anything foolish. I tried to get some information from her as to if she is going to come back and when. She could not definitively answer my questions and this caused a large amount of worry to enter my heart. I asked are we through?  She could not answer that question either. I asked her to pray with me and she reminded me that she had asked earlier if I wanted to pray, but I was raging at the time and could not do that. One of the deputies informed me, we are not going to pray because all I am doing is trying to stall her from leaving.  At which point Susan told the deputy, I will pray with him and so I was able to lift up some words to God on our behalf.  She then finished up her packing and eventually after a few more minutes of discussion she and Aimee left the house.  The last deputy to leave the house expressed his hope that it would all work out.

I tried to call Susan on her cell phone, but she would not answer, so I called my dad and told him that it looks like Susan and I are going to divorce. I then called my son, Travis, to share the sad news with him as well. I called both of them, because I was alone and needed to talk to someone. I tried calling Susan again and she answered and said she was in the hotel and she would call and talk to me in the morning. She did say that she wanted me to go to counselling and if I was unwilling to do that she would not come back. So with my back against the wall, I called my company's hot line and requested counselling. They gave me three names to call the next day. It was a dark, dark night and I could not sleep.

The next day Susan agreed to come over to the house and sit and talk with me in the front yard. I called the counselling center and asked for an appointment that day. They were able to work me in early that afternoon and I met with the doctor and shared what my previous 12 hours had been like and what I had done to precipitate them. I went home following the appointment and Susan called two hours later to ask how it went. She also said she and Aimee would come and visit in the front yard for a few minutes if I wished. I expressed my desire for her to come, and reminded her I needed to go to the Celebrate Recovery meeting at 7:00 at the church. We visited and she asked about the session and I shared what I could and told her the doctor expressed that it is a long process and I told both the doctor and Susan I am committed to the process regardless of the time frame. She and Aimee left for the night and I went inside to get ready for Celebrate Recovery.

The meeting on May 14, 2013 is a significant one for me. It was the fourth meeting I had attended and during the part of the service where the marker chips are given out I decided this night I would go forward and get the first marker chip signifying the beginning of my recovery process from anger. This date, May 14, 2013, now has significance for me, because it was at this date that I stood before the brothers in the small group portion and said, "Hi, I'm Ken. I'm a Christian who struggles with anger." I then relived the moment for them so they could see my powerlessness and understand how much help I would need from them in the days and months, perhaps years ahead.

On May 15, I woke up and went to work. After the work day concluded I drove home. Hoping that Susan and Aimee would be home, but resigned myself to accept that they probably would not be there, but would call to visit later. So, I had a glimmer of hope when I saw the car parked in the front driveway as I parked my truck and went inside. Susan was making supper for me and asked if I wanted to go sit outside and talk. I said yes, but let's sit on the patio and talk. She then laid out her expectations of what I would have to do to make amends. I listened, understood and acknowledged that I am obligated by Celebrate Recovery to do everything she needs for amends to be possible. I also told her I am not allowed to argue with her demands or express feelings that they are unfair or even say her needs are not in proportion to the event. I simply said I have to do all you shared.  That night Susan chose to stay home with me.

In my previous post I shared how grace always occurs when man is at his worst.  It makes absolutely no sense why grace ever results given the events that occur prior to the grace act. But grace is not of this world and that is the only way it is possible. It is not logical, it makes no sense, it is incomprehensible, and it never leaves a person the same. You cannot be truly touched by grace and remained unchanged. Jean Valjean expressed his puzzlement over grace by saying I must leave the world of Jean Valjean, because Jean Valjean is no more. I too am puzzled and can only say I must leave the world of Kenneth Garrett, because Kenneth Garrett is no more and now another story must begin. Thank you my wife for whatever you saw that caused you to say even when he's a monster there is still something worth fighting for that must be saved and can be saved.

The Grace of Les Miserables

In the play, Les Miserables, we are introduced to the prisoner Jean Valjean who stole a loaf of bread to feed a starving child and was sentenced to 19 years hard labor. He was granted parole when his sentence was over and given his parole papers that he had to carry with him at all times and make available to people should they ask to see them. Jean Valjean then begins his search for work and is rejected at every turn when the hiring person reads his papers identifying him as a parolee.  At one interview, the inn keeper told him to leave his premises at which Valjean said "please, I am hungry and cold", only to be rebuffed and sent away. He finds a place on the street to make his bed and try to survive the night, when a priest sees his predicament and invites him to his house where he feeds him and gives him a warm bed to sleep in.  Valjean, however does not recognize that he is being touched by grace because he has never seen grace in his life. The world has taught him it is everyman for himself. No one else cares about you and no one else will ever care about you. Later that night when the priest and the others living in the house fall asleep, Valjean steals some items of silver with the intention of selling them for a little bit of money. However, he is caught by the police and brought back to the priest to return the items he has stolen. Valjean's fate is clear. He is going back to prison for the rest of his life because he broke parole. The police force him to his knees and with his head bowed in brokenness listens as the police return the stolen items to the priest. The priest however, surprises everyone when he tells Valjean how happy he is that he came back because he left without taking the candlesticks the priest had given him.  With this the police are told they may go their way because Valjean did not steal the items in his possession they were given to him.  After the police leave the priest tells Valjean, he now belongs to God.

Now Valjean has a dilemma to reason through because he has no clue how to interpret the grace he has just been given.  It makes absolutely no sense to him. So, he asks the question why? Why did he give me this grace? Of course, this question can never be answered by earthly standards, because grace is of another world.  When a person is touched by grace he is humbled because grace always occurs when man is at his most worst. 

This grace act causes him to go into deep self reflection and he comes to the conclusion that he must "escape from the world of Jean Valjean because Jean Valjean is nothing now, and another story must begin". The Jean Valjean before grace and the Jean Valjean after grace cannot be the same people because grace never leaves a person unchanged. And a wonderful story of transformation occurs and Jean Valjean who remains hunted by the police and haunted by his past never forgets the grace he was given and chooses to never seek revenge, but always seeks to repay evil with grace in the hope that another person will come to understand that he has been touched by something of another world and change as a result.

The Pain is Great, Yet Grace is Near

Job 17:12 Yet the desires of my heart turn night into day; in the face of the darkness light is near.

This is one of those posts that came to me during the most mundane of tasks.  I was doing yard work today when the spirit laid a thought on my heart.  He caused me to revisit Charles Dickens - A Christmas Carol, the movie version that I love to watch each Christmas Eve with my family. The spirit prompted me to go beyond the acting and to revisit the lesson the story gives. The movie and novel build a strong case for why Ebenezer has become the man he is. During the journey to revisit his past we learn that his father had rejected him in the most absolute way possible.  He did not even want his own child to stay in the house with him, so he sent him away to boarding school. These wounds were deep and painful in the young Ebenezer's life and I could understand his bitterness later in life. Indeed, the hurt and pain must have been agonizing at times.

The Christmas Carol though ultimately concludes that his wounds do not give Ebenezer an excuse for becoming who he has become. Yes, the spirits acknowledge, you were treated horribly and wounded severely by your father, and still that does not grant you the privilege to treat others with the same contempt and callousness. 

In his last encounter with his betrothed Belle, she shared with him that his passions have all merged into one master, profit! "The thought of it engrosses you." Ebenezer was on his way to laying the foundation to become a very rich man, yet Belle did not want his money. In the end she releases him from their agreement and marries another. His wounds caused him to miss the point. Belle was saying to him, Ebenezer I don't want your money, I want you! For a person who wanted to be loved by his father, it seems like Ebenezer should have picked up on this fairly easy, but wounds have a terrible  coping system in they way they cause us to build defense mechanisms to protect ourselves, and so Ebenezer failed to see the one thing he desired more than anything else; love. The spirit seemed to be teaching me that my wounds like Ebenezer's have tried to protect me from feeling more pain and the defense mechanisms I have built are causing me to miss out on the beauty that surrounds me. 

Charles Dickens seems to be saying we are expected to rise above our circumstances, our situations no matter how ugly and chose instead to make a difference in mankind. We have no excuse for failing to help others in need. So Job reminds us in the face of darkness light is near. Open my eyes Father and let me see the light rather than concentrate on the wounds.

The Reverence of Grace

Ezra 8:5 Ezra opened the book.  All the people could see him because he was standing above them and as he opened it all the people stood up. Ezra praised the Lord, the great God: and all the people lifted up their hands and responded Amen! Amen! Then they bowed down and worshipped the Lord with their faces to the ground.

What a powerful picture of reverence! The book is so sacred that in the moment of opening it up the people were so moved they could not remain seated. This was a moment that required them to stand in reverence because Ezra was going to read from the book of the great God. The moment so moved Ezra, he lifted up words of praise and the people lifted up their hands in reverence to the great God and said the only thing they felt was appropriate, Amen! Amen! And then the worship was done in a position of bowing down with their faces to the ground, because they knew they were unworthy to remain standing before their great God and worship him in that position.

I have to believe the reason the people were so reverent was because they knew how great their sin was and how it had grieved the great God so deeply that he allowed Nebuchadnezzar to take them captive all the way to Babylon. They understood that their sin was so egregious that the great God did not even want them to remain in Jerusalem, and he allowed the king of Babylon freedom to come in and plunder the city and take the people captive. The great God wanted the city to be empty, rather than let any of a sinful people occupy it. 

Yet, years later their repentance caused their great God to allow them to return to the place their hearts yearned for, home. It was not of their doing that they had returned home, but by the pleasure of the great God and they no doubt understood this and believed this deeply in their souls. When a person looks intently in the mirror and sees what he has done that grieves the great God and realizes that God let me live and God let me return home, it must be the most humbling moment an individual can experience. Then when all the brethren are gathered together and the book is opened for the first time in decades, how can you remain seated before the great God? Some worship requires I bow down and put my face to the ground, because my sin is so egregious. I have not been reverential in many years I think. I have had moments of revelation that pricked my soul and brought tears to my eyes, but I never felt the need to hide my face from the great God. I need to be reverential Father, because you are the great God and I am the created. Prick my heart and let it be softened by my sorrow so that I will remember all the time that you are the great God and I can only approach you in reverence or I cannot approach you at all. Grace should cause me to stand during moments of sacredness and bow in moments of worship, because grace was beyond my reach, but I was never beyond its reach. Oh great God! Thank you!