My previous post was a summarization of the grace that was exhibited in the play Les' Miserables, and a few hours following that post I was to have a serious meltdown at home and fly off into a rage against the woman I am in love with. Yet if you had heard my words and the volume at which I yelled them, there is no way that you would have concluded that love is an accurate word to describe how I feel about her.
I was in a severe funk that I could not pull myself out of and so I resorted to an anger and a rage that resulted in her fearing for her safety. After my meltdown, I went to bed and was drifting off to sleep when I heard Susan unlocking the bedroom door. She came into the bedroom, and told me she is not staying here she is leaving to go to a hotel room, and she has called the sheriff to come and help her to leave. I was stunned and in disbelief, but she was not going to be swayed by any words I would say. Three deputies were in the house prepared to subdue me if I attempted anything foolish. I tried to get some information from her as to if she is going to come back and when. She could not definitively answer my questions and this caused a large amount of worry to enter my heart. I asked are we through? She could not answer that question either. I asked her to pray with me and she reminded me that she had asked earlier if I wanted to pray, but I was raging at the time and could not do that. One of the deputies informed me, we are not going to pray because all I am doing is trying to stall her from leaving. At which point Susan told the deputy, I will pray with him and so I was able to lift up some words to God on our behalf. She then finished up her packing and eventually after a few more minutes of discussion she and Aimee left the house. The last deputy to leave the house expressed his hope that it would all work out.
I tried to call Susan on her cell phone, but she would not answer, so I called my dad and told him that it looks like Susan and I are going to divorce. I then called my son, Travis, to share the sad news with him as well. I called both of them, because I was alone and needed to talk to someone. I tried calling Susan again and she answered and said she was in the hotel and she would call and talk to me in the morning. She did say that she wanted me to go to counselling and if I was unwilling to do that she would not come back. So with my back against the wall, I called my company's hot line and requested counselling. They gave me three names to call the next day. It was a dark, dark night and I could not sleep.
The next day Susan agreed to come over to the house and sit and talk with me in the front yard. I called the counselling center and asked for an appointment that day. They were able to work me in early that afternoon and I met with the doctor and shared what my previous 12 hours had been like and what I had done to precipitate them. I went home following the appointment and Susan called two hours later to ask how it went. She also said she and Aimee would come and visit in the front yard for a few minutes if I wished. I expressed my desire for her to come, and reminded her I needed to go to the Celebrate Recovery meeting at 7:00 at the church. We visited and she asked about the session and I shared what I could and told her the doctor expressed that it is a long process and I told both the doctor and Susan I am committed to the process regardless of the time frame. She and Aimee left for the night and I went inside to get ready for Celebrate Recovery.
The meeting on May 14, 2013 is a significant one for me. It was the fourth meeting I had attended and during the part of the service where the marker chips are given out I decided this night I would go forward and get the first marker chip signifying the beginning of my recovery process from anger. This date, May 14, 2013, now has significance for me, because it was at this date that I stood before the brothers in the small group portion and said, "Hi, I'm Ken. I'm a Christian who struggles with anger." I then relived the moment for them so they could see my powerlessness and understand how much help I would need from them in the days and months, perhaps years ahead.
On May 15, I woke up and went to work. After the work day concluded I drove home. Hoping that Susan and Aimee would be home, but resigned myself to accept that they probably would not be there, but would call to visit later. So, I had a glimmer of hope when I saw the car parked in the front driveway as I parked my truck and went inside. Susan was making supper for me and asked if I wanted to go sit outside and talk. I said yes, but let's sit on the patio and talk. She then laid out her expectations of what I would have to do to make amends. I listened, understood and acknowledged that I am obligated by Celebrate Recovery to do everything she needs for amends to be possible. I also told her I am not allowed to argue with her demands or express feelings that they are unfair or even say her needs are not in proportion to the event. I simply said I have to do all you shared. That night Susan chose to stay home with me.
In my previous post I shared how grace always occurs when man is at his worst. It makes absolutely no sense why grace ever results given the events that occur prior to the grace act. But grace is not of this world and that is the only way it is possible. It is not logical, it makes no sense, it is incomprehensible, and it never leaves a person the same. You cannot be truly touched by grace and remained unchanged. Jean Valjean expressed his puzzlement over grace by saying I must leave the world of Jean Valjean, because Jean Valjean is no more. I too am puzzled and can only say I must leave the world of Kenneth Garrett, because Kenneth Garrett is no more and now another story must begin. Thank you my wife for whatever you saw that caused you to say even when he's a monster there is still something worth fighting for that must be saved and can be saved.
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