A Dark, Dark Night and Then Grace

My previous post was a summarization of the grace that was exhibited in the play Les' Miserables, and a few hours following that post I was to have a serious meltdown at home and fly off into a rage against the woman I am in love with.  Yet if you had heard my words and the volume at which I yelled them, there is no way that you would have concluded that love is an accurate word to describe how I feel about her.

I was in a severe funk that I could not pull myself out of and so I resorted to an anger and a rage that resulted in her fearing for her safety. After my meltdown, I went to bed and was drifting off to sleep when I heard Susan unlocking the bedroom door. She came into the bedroom, and told me she is not staying here she is leaving to go to a hotel room, and she has called the sheriff to come and help her to leave. I was stunned and in disbelief, but she was not going to be swayed by any words I would say. Three deputies were in the house prepared to subdue me if I attempted anything foolish. I tried to get some information from her as to if she is going to come back and when. She could not definitively answer my questions and this caused a large amount of worry to enter my heart. I asked are we through?  She could not answer that question either. I asked her to pray with me and she reminded me that she had asked earlier if I wanted to pray, but I was raging at the time and could not do that. One of the deputies informed me, we are not going to pray because all I am doing is trying to stall her from leaving.  At which point Susan told the deputy, I will pray with him and so I was able to lift up some words to God on our behalf.  She then finished up her packing and eventually after a few more minutes of discussion she and Aimee left the house.  The last deputy to leave the house expressed his hope that it would all work out.

I tried to call Susan on her cell phone, but she would not answer, so I called my dad and told him that it looks like Susan and I are going to divorce. I then called my son, Travis, to share the sad news with him as well. I called both of them, because I was alone and needed to talk to someone. I tried calling Susan again and she answered and said she was in the hotel and she would call and talk to me in the morning. She did say that she wanted me to go to counselling and if I was unwilling to do that she would not come back. So with my back against the wall, I called my company's hot line and requested counselling. They gave me three names to call the next day. It was a dark, dark night and I could not sleep.

The next day Susan agreed to come over to the house and sit and talk with me in the front yard. I called the counselling center and asked for an appointment that day. They were able to work me in early that afternoon and I met with the doctor and shared what my previous 12 hours had been like and what I had done to precipitate them. I went home following the appointment and Susan called two hours later to ask how it went. She also said she and Aimee would come and visit in the front yard for a few minutes if I wished. I expressed my desire for her to come, and reminded her I needed to go to the Celebrate Recovery meeting at 7:00 at the church. We visited and she asked about the session and I shared what I could and told her the doctor expressed that it is a long process and I told both the doctor and Susan I am committed to the process regardless of the time frame. She and Aimee left for the night and I went inside to get ready for Celebrate Recovery.

The meeting on May 14, 2013 is a significant one for me. It was the fourth meeting I had attended and during the part of the service where the marker chips are given out I decided this night I would go forward and get the first marker chip signifying the beginning of my recovery process from anger. This date, May 14, 2013, now has significance for me, because it was at this date that I stood before the brothers in the small group portion and said, "Hi, I'm Ken. I'm a Christian who struggles with anger." I then relived the moment for them so they could see my powerlessness and understand how much help I would need from them in the days and months, perhaps years ahead.

On May 15, I woke up and went to work. After the work day concluded I drove home. Hoping that Susan and Aimee would be home, but resigned myself to accept that they probably would not be there, but would call to visit later. So, I had a glimmer of hope when I saw the car parked in the front driveway as I parked my truck and went inside. Susan was making supper for me and asked if I wanted to go sit outside and talk. I said yes, but let's sit on the patio and talk. She then laid out her expectations of what I would have to do to make amends. I listened, understood and acknowledged that I am obligated by Celebrate Recovery to do everything she needs for amends to be possible. I also told her I am not allowed to argue with her demands or express feelings that they are unfair or even say her needs are not in proportion to the event. I simply said I have to do all you shared.  That night Susan chose to stay home with me.

In my previous post I shared how grace always occurs when man is at his worst.  It makes absolutely no sense why grace ever results given the events that occur prior to the grace act. But grace is not of this world and that is the only way it is possible. It is not logical, it makes no sense, it is incomprehensible, and it never leaves a person the same. You cannot be truly touched by grace and remained unchanged. Jean Valjean expressed his puzzlement over grace by saying I must leave the world of Jean Valjean, because Jean Valjean is no more. I too am puzzled and can only say I must leave the world of Kenneth Garrett, because Kenneth Garrett is no more and now another story must begin. Thank you my wife for whatever you saw that caused you to say even when he's a monster there is still something worth fighting for that must be saved and can be saved.

The Grace of Les Miserables

In the play, Les Miserables, we are introduced to the prisoner Jean Valjean who stole a loaf of bread to feed a starving child and was sentenced to 19 years hard labor. He was granted parole when his sentence was over and given his parole papers that he had to carry with him at all times and make available to people should they ask to see them. Jean Valjean then begins his search for work and is rejected at every turn when the hiring person reads his papers identifying him as a parolee.  At one interview, the inn keeper told him to leave his premises at which Valjean said "please, I am hungry and cold", only to be rebuffed and sent away. He finds a place on the street to make his bed and try to survive the night, when a priest sees his predicament and invites him to his house where he feeds him and gives him a warm bed to sleep in.  Valjean, however does not recognize that he is being touched by grace because he has never seen grace in his life. The world has taught him it is everyman for himself. No one else cares about you and no one else will ever care about you. Later that night when the priest and the others living in the house fall asleep, Valjean steals some items of silver with the intention of selling them for a little bit of money. However, he is caught by the police and brought back to the priest to return the items he has stolen. Valjean's fate is clear. He is going back to prison for the rest of his life because he broke parole. The police force him to his knees and with his head bowed in brokenness listens as the police return the stolen items to the priest. The priest however, surprises everyone when he tells Valjean how happy he is that he came back because he left without taking the candlesticks the priest had given him.  With this the police are told they may go their way because Valjean did not steal the items in his possession they were given to him.  After the police leave the priest tells Valjean, he now belongs to God.

Now Valjean has a dilemma to reason through because he has no clue how to interpret the grace he has just been given.  It makes absolutely no sense to him. So, he asks the question why? Why did he give me this grace? Of course, this question can never be answered by earthly standards, because grace is of another world.  When a person is touched by grace he is humbled because grace always occurs when man is at his most worst. 

This grace act causes him to go into deep self reflection and he comes to the conclusion that he must "escape from the world of Jean Valjean because Jean Valjean is nothing now, and another story must begin". The Jean Valjean before grace and the Jean Valjean after grace cannot be the same people because grace never leaves a person unchanged. And a wonderful story of transformation occurs and Jean Valjean who remains hunted by the police and haunted by his past never forgets the grace he was given and chooses to never seek revenge, but always seeks to repay evil with grace in the hope that another person will come to understand that he has been touched by something of another world and change as a result.

The Pain is Great, Yet Grace is Near

Job 17:12 Yet the desires of my heart turn night into day; in the face of the darkness light is near.

This is one of those posts that came to me during the most mundane of tasks.  I was doing yard work today when the spirit laid a thought on my heart.  He caused me to revisit Charles Dickens - A Christmas Carol, the movie version that I love to watch each Christmas Eve with my family. The spirit prompted me to go beyond the acting and to revisit the lesson the story gives. The movie and novel build a strong case for why Ebenezer has become the man he is. During the journey to revisit his past we learn that his father had rejected him in the most absolute way possible.  He did not even want his own child to stay in the house with him, so he sent him away to boarding school. These wounds were deep and painful in the young Ebenezer's life and I could understand his bitterness later in life. Indeed, the hurt and pain must have been agonizing at times.

The Christmas Carol though ultimately concludes that his wounds do not give Ebenezer an excuse for becoming who he has become. Yes, the spirits acknowledge, you were treated horribly and wounded severely by your father, and still that does not grant you the privilege to treat others with the same contempt and callousness. 

In his last encounter with his betrothed Belle, she shared with him that his passions have all merged into one master, profit! "The thought of it engrosses you." Ebenezer was on his way to laying the foundation to become a very rich man, yet Belle did not want his money. In the end she releases him from their agreement and marries another. His wounds caused him to miss the point. Belle was saying to him, Ebenezer I don't want your money, I want you! For a person who wanted to be loved by his father, it seems like Ebenezer should have picked up on this fairly easy, but wounds have a terrible  coping system in they way they cause us to build defense mechanisms to protect ourselves, and so Ebenezer failed to see the one thing he desired more than anything else; love. The spirit seemed to be teaching me that my wounds like Ebenezer's have tried to protect me from feeling more pain and the defense mechanisms I have built are causing me to miss out on the beauty that surrounds me. 

Charles Dickens seems to be saying we are expected to rise above our circumstances, our situations no matter how ugly and chose instead to make a difference in mankind. We have no excuse for failing to help others in need. So Job reminds us in the face of darkness light is near. Open my eyes Father and let me see the light rather than concentrate on the wounds.

The Reverence of Grace

Ezra 8:5 Ezra opened the book.  All the people could see him because he was standing above them and as he opened it all the people stood up. Ezra praised the Lord, the great God: and all the people lifted up their hands and responded Amen! Amen! Then they bowed down and worshipped the Lord with their faces to the ground.

What a powerful picture of reverence! The book is so sacred that in the moment of opening it up the people were so moved they could not remain seated. This was a moment that required them to stand in reverence because Ezra was going to read from the book of the great God. The moment so moved Ezra, he lifted up words of praise and the people lifted up their hands in reverence to the great God and said the only thing they felt was appropriate, Amen! Amen! And then the worship was done in a position of bowing down with their faces to the ground, because they knew they were unworthy to remain standing before their great God and worship him in that position.

I have to believe the reason the people were so reverent was because they knew how great their sin was and how it had grieved the great God so deeply that he allowed Nebuchadnezzar to take them captive all the way to Babylon. They understood that their sin was so egregious that the great God did not even want them to remain in Jerusalem, and he allowed the king of Babylon freedom to come in and plunder the city and take the people captive. The great God wanted the city to be empty, rather than let any of a sinful people occupy it. 

Yet, years later their repentance caused their great God to allow them to return to the place their hearts yearned for, home. It was not of their doing that they had returned home, but by the pleasure of the great God and they no doubt understood this and believed this deeply in their souls. When a person looks intently in the mirror and sees what he has done that grieves the great God and realizes that God let me live and God let me return home, it must be the most humbling moment an individual can experience. Then when all the brethren are gathered together and the book is opened for the first time in decades, how can you remain seated before the great God? Some worship requires I bow down and put my face to the ground, because my sin is so egregious. I have not been reverential in many years I think. I have had moments of revelation that pricked my soul and brought tears to my eyes, but I never felt the need to hide my face from the great God. I need to be reverential Father, because you are the great God and I am the created. Prick my heart and let it be softened by my sorrow so that I will remember all the time that you are the great God and I can only approach you in reverence or I cannot approach you at all. Grace should cause me to stand during moments of sacredness and bow in moments of worship, because grace was beyond my reach, but I was never beyond its reach. Oh great God! Thank you!

Grace Reveals a Lesson From God

Nehemiah 1:4 When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven. Then I said:.......

Does this paint a picture of how I approach my time in prayer with God? Is this a model of what my prayer time looks like?  Do I have days of mourning over distressful news? Do I have days of fasting to clear my heart, mind, soul and strength to approach him in purity? Do I have days of praying before God before I come to him and lift up my request to him? No, I am presumptuous in my approach. I have no concerns about confession and repentance when I come to him. I lay my request out to God from the "get go". It is as though, I act like God should be happy I, Ken, have come to spend time with him. How vain! How full of myself I have become in life, and in relating to my creator.

Nehemiah shows a model of how to approach God and my approach looks vastly different. I struggle with lust and anger. No, that is not accurate, I have pretty much given up trying to overcome these sins, and have rationalized why I continue to deal with them. The truth is I am powerless over the same sins that have been with me since my birth? Yet, my approach to God has never occurred after a time of mourning over my enslavement to my lusts. My approach to God has never occurred after a time of fasting so that my mind, heart, soul and strength are cleansed so I can approach him in purity, and with a contrite heart. My approach to God has never been preceded by praying before him. praising him and acknowledging him and then coming before him to lift up my confession of powerlessness and then lift my request to him for strength to overcome. I have felt God's grace, because he knows my desire is real but buried too deep to be effective, so his grace reveals lessons in verses like this so that I can be transformed in power by him.

The difference right  now between Nehemiah and me is Nehemiah knew he was unworthy to approach God, so in order to approach him he prepared his heart, mind, soul, and strength for some days and then in humility he came before God and begged him to hear his plea.  This approach is the difference between Nehemiah's powerful time of prayer and my ineffective time of prayer. I now have a deeper appreciation of why my prayers for victory have been for the most part ineffective. Grace has shown me how to approach my creator, help me Father to heed the lesson and to come to you with a heart, mind, soul and strength that has been cleansed so I can lift up my request to you in a spirit of humbleness.

Responding to Grace

Ezra 1:5  .....-Everyone whose heart God had moved prepared to go up and build the house of the Lord in Jerusalem.  

This verse reminds us of something very critical when it comes to us and God. It is never a moment that I'm sitting down or out in the wonder of nature and then I spontaneously decide I am going to go and do this or do that for God. No, I must remember that my heart is moved by God and I respond to his moving of my heart as a result. And I must also remember that the moving of my heart usually only occurs after prayer, petition, and pleading to God and God reveals that he has heard me and moves my heart to do what he desires from me. There is also one more thing I must remember and that is what God moves my heart to do is not necessarily what he moves other hearts to do, and so I cannot decipher spirituality by whether others have been moved in the same way God moved me.  For instance, God has put in my heart that I need to pray with brothers regularly, and then he led me to them. However, I cannot look at those brothers who do not pray regularly with other brothers and conclude they are deficient in their faith. I cannot know if God has moved them or not, so I must be careful in not falling into judging of others.

Ezra 3:13 No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away.

When God's grace moves his people it has a real and moving impact on them and grace also has an impact on others as well. Notice that the impact of grace on his people does not result in the same expression. Here the people were responding to the same grace stimulus, yet some shouted with joy and  others were moved to weep. Grace is received in different ways by his people. For some the sheer joy that God loves them so much he showers them with grace is a moment to raise their heads and shout from the rooftops what God has done. While others may look at the deep darkness in their hearts and come to realize that grace reaches the lowest hell and their thankfulness is expressed through tears of deep appreciation. Yet, God used both responses to grace to impact those who were far away. There is no other conclusion possible except when God's grace moves his people it impacts others in some way.  They hear what God is doing with his people, and whether they like it or not the sound cannot be silenced nor the movement stilled.  There is another conclusion as well and that is God's grace is not something people can keep to themselves.  Yet it all starts with prayers, petitions, and pleadings from his people and when God reveals to them that he has heard them and touches them with grace their hearts are moved to do whatever he desires, some will be moved to shout with joy, and some will be moved to weeping, but both responses are due to God's revelation to his people that I have heard and now I am going to work powerfully through you in this way. Have I been so touched?

We Have Enough Clanging Cymbals and Resounding Gongs

My family was recently blessed with being able to share Christmas together with our son, Travis, in Washington DC. The trip was a treat for us, because our oldest son, Daniel, was able to join us and so the whole family was together for Christmas.  This was Daniel's first trip to our nation's capital and he wanted to take in as much of the sights as possible.  That included of course Arlington National Cemetery.

We went to the cemetery and walked first to President Kennedy's grave and his brother's graves. We then went to the tomb of the unknown and watched the solemn ceremony as the sentinel stood guard and then we watched the changing of the guard ceremony. While this was occurring, the funeral of a fallen airman was taking place in the distance. We heard the firing of the rifles in a 21 gun salute and then the majesty of the missing man formation flew over the cemetery humbling me as I was blessed to witness a final salute to this individual whose name I am never to know.

I then felt the presence of the spirit as he told me to look to the sentinel and learn from them, because their example speaks loudly if I will pause to listen to the lesson. It struck me that we admire the young men who stand at their posts no matter the time of day or regardless of what is going on around them, and for the most part admiration is all we do.  Temperatures below freezing? They stand guard.  A beautiful autumn day clothed in the majesty of the changing leaves? They stand guard. A hurricane blowing ashore from the coast? They stand guard.  A spring day with flowers painting the countryside in grandeur? They stand guard.  Summer days above 100 degrees? They stand guard. Rain coming down in buckets? They stand guard. Angry thunder clapping loudly in the distance? They stand guard.  

The environment does not stop them from manning their post and doing their duty, and the spirit convicted me that my response of admiration while real is not the sole response I should expect from myself. I, too, have an obligation to not let the environment or other circumstances prevent me from carrying out my duty as a citizen. To be content to think that my admiration is enough does nothing for improving my country or helping my citizens who need my assistance in some way. The young men who stand guard at the tomb of the unknowns are in essence giving the rest of us a clear picture of what our service should look like as well. I think perhaps, I have become too content to bitch about my leaders and act like that is standing at my post, but the spirit has convicted me that I am nothing more than a clanging cymbal  and a resounding gong. So, I confess my lack of activity to my God and repent of my loud wailing and want to get off my high horse and do something for my country. Thank you Father.