Adam Dropped the Ball

In Genesis chapters 1 and 2, we learn that God created Adam and then for an unknown time they were both together, talking and walking with one another in the garden. In chapter 2 God placed Adam in the garden with the purpose to "work and take care of it." We also learn that God brought all the animals to Adam so he could name them. We can assume that Adam knows who he is and his purpose. 

Adam exists in unprecedented freedom. There is only one thing he is forbidden to do and that is to eat  the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. God, the Trinity, spend intimate time with Adam, teaching him about his world and fathering him on how to work it and take care of it. The Trinity must have been working to show Adam their nature, their character, and their unconditional love for him. They allowed him unbelievable and unimaginable access to them, so Adam would come to love them as much as they love him. Yet in spite of their relationship with Adam the Trinity still said that it was not good for him to be alone so they made Eve. She is described as the crown of creation.

The Trinity had a fellowship with one another before the world existed and it was because of their fellowship with each other and the joy through it that they wanted others to share in a similar fellowship as well, but there were no others to share their fellowship with so they had to create them. First they made the angels and then they made mankind. While Adam was alive without the company of Eve, he must have learned about the fellowship the Trinity enjoyed. They might have taught him how they wanted mankind to enjoy such a fellowship as well. They must have taught him, showed him and explained to him how such a fellowship is possible and how wonderful it is. But, to enjoy a fellowship in his own way, there had to be another to have it with, and the Trinity gave Adam the gift of Eve. I think it is interesting, that the Trinity did not give Adam another man to have a fellowship with but a woman. So a man's first and most important fellowship will always be with his opposite. The subsequent fellowships that will come with other men are important in their own way but they are secondary to Eve.

So the task of teaching Eve fell to Adam. He was probably instructed to tell Eve about the Trinity, their nature, character, and love. The responsibility fell to Adam because he had walked with them while Eve never had the singleness of time alone with them. Everything that Eve learned about the Trinity was shared with her by Adam, and it appears as though Adam chose for some reason not to share everything with her. For instance, God told Adam he was free to eat of every tree in the garden but you must not eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, yet that is not what Adam told Eve! She said to Lucifer, we were indeed told by God that we cannot eat of the tree in the middle of the garden and we cannot even touch it or we will die. Amazing, Adam put words into God's mouth that the creator did not say. It is as though Adam was trying to scare Eve rather than guide her and show her the purity and beauty of a fellowship with the Trinity. This is presumptuous, but perhaps Adam was fearful that Eve would choose the Trinity over him and as a result he decides to keep some things to himself to prevent her from getting too close to them.

If this is true then this means Adam must not have trusted the Trinity even though they revealed to him who they are and how deep is their love for him. When Lucifer told Eve you will not surely die, you will instead become like God. She had a choice. Remember she was told if you even touch the fruit you will die, yet here is this serpent telling me I can eat it and be like God. Who do I trust? She trusted Satan, and picked a fruit. Once she picked a fruit she knew immediately that she had been lied to and it must have been by the Trinity because Adam told me they said to him if you touch the tree you will die. Yet here I am holding the fruit and I remain very much alive and kicking, so I can probably also eat it and become just like God. Eve must have believed the Trinity was misleading them because if I can touch the tree and live I can probably eat the fruit and live as well. She might have concluded I wonder what else the Trinity is hiding from us?

We can see that Adam did Eve a great disservice by not being candid, open, and truthful to her about the Trinity. She has legitimate doubts not brought about by the Trinity, but by one who walked with the Trinity yet chose to put his own spin on their words.  All these centuries later the decisions by Adam towards his wife continue to haunt our world, and the brokenness all over the world that is so deep remains the result of Adam dropping the ball even though he walked with the Trinity and knew them  intimately.

Can't Hide the Poser

John 4:29 Come, see a man who told me all things I ever did. Could this be the Christ? 41-42: Then they said to the woman, now we believe, not because of what you said, for we ourselves have heard him and we know that this is indeed the Christ, the savior of the world.

This conversation is taken from the story of the woman at the well. Her story is typical of this world. She has moral failings and as a result she is shunned by her neighbors, and family. So, one day while going about her normal routine she has an unexpected and unplanned encounter with a stranger. Now Jesus asks her for a small favor, please give me a drink of water and her skepticism of motives is revealed by her reply. "I'm a woman and you're a Jew and you are asking me for water?" You can imagine her shock when he doesn't reply in kind, but says "yeah, and if you only knew who you are talking to you would have asked me and I would have given you living water." This encounter reveals something to us. We don't recognize Jesus when he first comes into our moment. He looks like any other guy. There's nothing distinctive about him that clues us into his real essence. Yet the dialogue once initiated must continue on until he reveals who we really are talking with.

The woman realizes, she is talking to someone unique in some way that she can't quite put her finger on. So she tries to challenge his words concerning living water. To which Jesus tells her I will give the living water to you but first go get your husband and come back to which she replies I have no husband. How deeply this request must have hurt her, because this is the area where she has been wounded so severely. It is because of these moral failures that she is ostracized by her community. She has had five failed marriages and is currently shacking up with a man. This is why she goes to the well by herself everyday, because the arrows of the other women are too hurtful and she needs respite from their meanness, their judgements, their self righteousness. So with the arrow she thinks has been shot at her by this man, she quickly puts up the mask, her poser, so he won't ask about her moral failings. Yet Jesus doesn't stop there. He finally reveals who he is and her fears are over. She is transformed and she knows that others in her community need to meet this man because they pose also.

So in my life as well, Jesus comes in and says I know you and proceeds to expose the poser so there will be no doubt in my mind that he is who he says he is. But there is a difference between how Jesus and everyone else reacts when my poser is exposed. When Jesus exposes my poser he is compassionate  towards my wounds. The world celebrates my being exposed. Jesus knows how deep my wounds cut and the hurt they bring and why I created the poser to prevent the hurts from happening again. The world on the other hand doesn't care about the pain, and indeed wants me to hurt even more through my exposure.

Jesus affirms, I know you and I care deeply for you anyway. Your wounds are real and the pain and heartbreak they bring is difficult. But I won't hurt you I will heal you. The relief that comes through such an encounter is life transforming, and when another person's poser is exposed, I don't want to celebrate instead I can say come and meet Jesus he can heal your wounds because he healed mine.

The Boot Camp

It has now been almost one month since my weekend in the Colorado mountains with 470 "brothers" attending the Wild at Heart Boot Camp sponsored by the team from Ransomed Heart. The Boot Camp occurred at the Crooked Creek youth camp near Fraser, Colorado on August 15 - August 18. I woke up at 3:00 AM the morning of August 15 to drive to the Louis Armstrong Airport in New Orleans to catch a 6:00 AM flight to Denver International Airport.  We landed at 8:00 AM Denver time and I had a wait of 5 hours before the buses would arrive to take us to the facility.  I had rested on the plane and went to McDonald's and ordered and enjoyed a big breakfast with pancakes, after which I went to a charging station and called home and surfed the net while biding my time until the buses arrived.

I left my terminal about 11:45 and took the train to the main terminal where we were to meet the buses and already men were gathering in preparation for the weekend. I visited with a number of men and then it was time to board the buses and go to the camp. It was a nice ride of about 2 hours into the glorious Rocky mountains. Upon arriving at the camp we all unboarded the buses and gathered our luggage and went into the Bear Claw building to check in. The staff had tables set up in alphabetical order to make the check in more efficient. I was given my packet and told dinner would begin at 6:00 PM in the Bull Moose cafeteria. My assigned lodge was Glacier in the Horseshoe room.  Upon entering the room all of my room mates were unloading and there was only one bunk left for me to claim and it was a top one. I introduced myself to Chuck who would be my bunk mate for the weekend and got everything unpacked and made up the bed. Then it was off to the cafeteria to enjoy a meal before the first session at 7:00 in the Avalanche theater. The team made some announcements during the meal and all 470 of us were looking forward to the start of a special weekend. At the table I set at there was a brother who was attending his third boot camp and said he got something out of the weekend each time he comes. 

Let me sidetrack first and say every meal that the young teenagers and the staff prepared for us were exceptional. Every single meal was excellent and the young teenagers who served us were all courteous and willing to help make sure our experience for the weekend was special. These young people reminded me that our country will find great leaders when it becomes their turn at the helm.

The opening session found the Ransomed Heart team very well prepared to make the weekend a special time for the participants. John Eldredge took the stage and opened up by saying "welcome my brothers." You have made a good choice by being here this weekend because of what is going to happen to us over the next three days. He asked for a show of hands of the men who came by ourselves and I would venture to guess 60% of us raised our hands. John said he understands how much courage it took for us to decide to come by ourselves and he would not have done that if he was in our shoes. I will admit as the day approached I was somewhat concerned about being by myself, but God had a surprise for me that he would reveal during the days there. We were informed we would be embarking on a treasure hunt over the weekend. We would be searching for the heart of God and searching for the heart God put within us as men. After preparing us for the weekend we were dismissed for the night and I decided I was going to go to sleep as it had already been a long day for me.

On Friday morning I woke up and showered and prepared to have breakfast. I decided I would have a few minutes of quiet time as I drank my coffee and waited for the bell to ring announcing breakfast was ready. While writing in my journal I saw a movement above me in my peripheral vision and I looked up and there was a hummingbird hovering within three feet of my face watching me. He hovered there for about ten seconds looking at me and then flew off. I felt as though the spirit was telling me I am here this weekend, and you'll sense me so stay focused.

The second session began to bring some focus for me concerning the weekend and my place in this world. The Ransomed Heart team spoke to us about coming to understand we are participants in a story. A story that has four acts. Act 1 is the time before the world where there is God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, the fellowship of the trinity. Act 2 is the creation of the angels, and a revolt that takes place in heaven as a result of Lucifer wanting to seize the throne. This was a war and the enemy and his allies were defeated and thrown from heaven. This war is the genesis of why all of the wars take place on Earth.  Act 3 is the creation of mankind, and is the act I and all of you are currently living within. Act 4 is the restoration that will come. My life began to come into some focus for me. I am not a random person placed here in a random way, I have a part and a reason for being in the story.

In all, we were to go through eight more sessions over the next two and a half days, and for brevity's sake I must share that they were all worth the time I spent in Colorado. The Ransomed Heart team has a real and powerful message to share with men. There is no doubt that God is revealing important things through John Eldredge, Craig McConnell, Bart Hansen, and Morgan Snyder and the rest of the team that shared with us during the weekend. I am not saying this as a brain dead man. I am 56 years old and an engineer in life and I pretty much approach things with extreme caution until I am convinced of the motive behind them. These men are genuine in sharing the gospel to everyone they can reach. As a result I believe God has used them to change the direction my life was going in.

I have shared that on May 13, my wife left me because she did not feel safe and told me my only option was to get help or she wouldn't come back.  It was this demand that eventually led me to the August 2013 Boot Camp at Crooked Creek Ranch in Fraser, Colorado.  On May 27, while visiting with my counselor she asked if I had ever thought about attending a "men's retreat", because she routinely recommends that to her women clients. She said she was not familiar with what is available for men.  I shared with her that my favorite author has an event he calls a boot camp that they put on about three or four times a year and I'd look into it.  When I got home that evening I told Susan what the counselor said and then I checked on the Ransom Heart website and saw that the lottery for the next session was going to close on May 28.  I entered the lottery that evening. On June 1, I received an email stating I had been selected, so it appears that I was meant to be there.

I shared that I met my bunk mate Chuck when I got in. He was willing to take the top bunk to prevent me from having to climb there. We ended up sharing our story's and I learned that he is from South Carolina and has entered the lottery for the boot camp for three years before he was selected. It also turns out his daughter and son-in-law live in Baton Rouge and he drives through Covington on his way to see them. We connected. We both have wounds and brokenness that we needed to share with others and we exchanged information so when he passes through Covington he will contact me and stop in for a visit. This is pretty evident that God placed each of us in that moment so we could meet. If he had been accepted at any of the other lottery's our chances of connecting would not have happened. If I didn't have that conversation with my counselor on that day I would not have entered in time.

Yet, the most significant moment for me was during the time when after Craig's session on the new name I was praying in my "spot" and asking God what he thinks of me, who I am, and what he calls me. I sensed the name compassionate son during my prayer time. This moment occurred on Friday. I captured it in my journal and was skeptical and hopeful that I had heard correctly. On Saturday after our time of worship we had a short break and I ran to Bear Claw to get another cup of coffee and as I was walking back to Avalanche. There was a brother standing on a rock looking out at the mountains in the distance. As I got closer to him I saw he was wearing a black jacket with something written on the back and I saw that there were two words; compassion, compassion. This was my validation that I had heard my Father correctly the day before and I was humbled. Eldredge said when you understand who you are and why you are here then your destiny will open up and that I found to be true for me.

I recommend this boot camp to those who are broken and searching and looking for their purpose in  this story. The clarity I have received has started the transformation process in me and I look forward to growing more into the compassionate person I am created to be in this world in this moment.

Maybe The Story Isn't About Me

I've begun reading the book of Joshua in my time in God's word.  The first 5 chapters shows that Moses has died and Joshua has assumed the mantel of leader for the Israelites. At this point, Israel has been wandering for 40 years in the wilderness and they have yet to enter the promised land. So they are preparing to enter their land, their home for the first time and the Jordan river is at flood stage. This is the first obstacle thrown at the Israelites as they prepare to enter their land, their home. A river at flood stage is angry; nothing can stand under the force that moving water brings to bear. Yet God is not deterred, the river is his servant and he stops the water so his people can cross the Jordan on dry land. As the people are crossing they are told to pick up 12 stones from the river bed and set them up on the other side as a reminder of what God did for them so they could cross the river. The point here is for the people to remember what God has done for them. This seems to be a problem. We have difficulty remembering that God is with us and remembering the great things he has done for us. Knowing all about our memory issues God essentially tells the people, take 12 stones that no human eye has ever seen and no human eye would ever see if I did not hold back the waters so you could cross.  In the future, return to this spot at times and remember me and my power. Once every person is safely on the home side of the river, the waters return to their angry flood flowing stage. 

Israel is now in hostile territory and they cannot turn back. It is not enough that they are on the home side of the river, they must first drive out those who currently reside there in order for the land to be theirs. They must fight. So the first thing God says is the men must be circumcised before they can go into battle. OK, I have an issue with this. My attitude would be why are we doing this? We are backed up against an angry, flood stage river and in front of us are people who have no intention of leaving their homes without a fight and you want to inflict severe pain on myself and all the men at the same time before we fight them? This makes no sense. Should the enemy attack while we are in pain we will be unable to defend ourselves. This battle plan is full of holes!

Maybe God is reminding them, this story, this fight is not about you, it's about me. Maybe God is teaching the Israelites your enemies cannot get to you without coming through me, and they'll never get through me. I believe God is using this story to teach me that I have to trust him in the same vulnerable way. I have to make myself vulnerable and weak and force myself to understand that my survival and my well being are in his hands as they have always been even when I didn't understand that. Maybe that is the point! Trust God to shield me if my heart belongs to him.

A Dad's Words to His Son and Daughter-in-law as They Begin Their Journey Together

June 1, 2013 - Rehearsal Dinner, County Line on the Hill, Austin, Texas - 8:00 PM

First, let me express my appreciation to everyone who is here celebrating with Travis and Abbie tonight.  Travis and Abbie, this weekend is a weekend parents long for, and dream of. To know that their children will not be alone in life’s journey.  I want to speak to you for the next few minutes and share some things with both of you that are on my heart.  But first, Travis and Abbie do you remember the evening I went to A&M so I could worship with you at Breakaway?  I want to share something with Abbie and everyone else from that evening.  After we finished our meal, we drove back to the rental house Abbie was staying at so you could get your parking permit for me in case I needed it at the arena. I pulled into the driveway and parked and you jumped out and ran inside while Travis and I waited for you in the truck.  Now let me describe the day it was a late fall evening, the sun was getting low on the horizon, there was not a cloud in the sky and there was a crispness to the atmosphere. Abbie,  when you came out of the house and was walking towards us, everything came together and you were stunning. I’ll confess, my jaw dropped and Travis was real quiet and I had that dad’s moment of panic for his son and I looked at Travis and asked, “Travis, are you sure she likes you?”  Well, he’s Travis and he was sure and Abbie all of us in our family think of you as a treasure.  That was a special night and there were some other things that occurred and I captured those moments in my journal because I didn’t want the day to fade away to memory. And October 19,2010 is one of those days I wanted to keep in my heart for the rest of my life.  You will find that you will also have special kind of days that you’ll want to cherish and not lose.

I do want to take a few minutes and share some things with you from my heart. First, as you begin your marriage journey, Travis and Abbie you must remember that we have an enemy who hates strong marriages.  Now, you won’t have to worry about him tonight and you won’t even have to worry about him tomorrow, because he is looking one year down the road, five years down the road, a decade down the road or longer.  However, long it will take him to work to make your marriage routine. If you allow you marriage to become routine or a marriage of routines then you will not be a threat to what he is working to accomplish in this world. For the most part, you will see evidence very soon at how effective he is at destroying marriages so you don’t want him to get a foothold.

So, I am asking you to take some time and talk together tonight before you say good night and consider making a promise to each other that you will pray together everyday and invite God into your marriage. I’m talking about each person praying out loud in the presence of the other inviting God into your marriage. 

It is not just because of the enemy I’m asking you to make this promise to each other. The other reason I’m asking you to talk about this tonight is because tomorrow the happily ever after part of your journey does not begin.  You will have storms.  Now most of the storms will be like getting caught in a gully washer without an umbrella.  You’ll get wet, you’ll get irritated, but you’ll dry off change your clothes and move on.  However, there will be some storms that you will see coming your way. They’ll be like those west Texas thunderstorms we used to watch Travis.  Where the clouds grow dark and angry, the wind blows, lightning flashes, the thunder booms and all you can do is shelter in place until they pass. After those kind of storms you’ll find that you will reflect on them because they make a significant impact on you. Then there will be those handful of storms that I liken to a category five hurricane.  Where is will feel like the most powerful storm this world can produce is focusing all of its fury and power on you. In these kind of storms, you wonder, are we going to make it through this one?  By my count, mom and I have been through 3 such storms in 32 years so that gives you an idea of the frequency that these types of storms occur.

Now here’s the thing. Prayer will not stop the storms from coming.  They’re going to come. But taking the time to pray and invite God into your marriage is one way you can put Jesus words into action. To paraphrase what Jesus said, the wise couple build their marriage on the rock.  The rain falls, the wind blows, and the waves beat against that marriage, but it stands because it is built on the rock.  Remember, when you invite God into your marriage then the power of the one going through the storm with you is greater than the power of the storm.

OK, I’m almost finished. Also, during the course of tonight I encourage you to look around this room and take some mental snapshots of everyone who is here tonight and remember this.  Everyone who is here tonight will fight for your marriage, so don’t be too proud or too ashamed to call. If you need us to come and encircle you and shield you from the world for a time, we will do that. Or if your need us to come alongside you and stand by you and stand with you, we will do that.  But, here's the thing, if you don’t call, we can’t come so call. And remember from time to time we all need community.

Travis: I love you and I’m proud of you. Abbie: I love you and I’m proud of you. And kids, I’m here and I’m available, so if you need me call and I’ll drop whatever I’m doing and rush to your side and do whatever I am capable of doing. Now, I would like to offer up a prayer and ask God’s blessing on you may I do that? 

Let’s approach God now.  Father, first we lift up words of deep appreciation to you that we all are here to celebrate this most sacred weekend with Travis and Abbie. Father, in your word you shared with us that the heavens declare your glory, and we hope that Travis and Abbie will declare your glory just as majestically through their marriage.  Father, we also hope that Travis and Abbie will invite you into their marriage every day that they are in one another’s company, so that through their marriage you will be able to show others what grace looks like in people.  Finally Father, we pray that Travis and Abbie will have a strong marriage that the enemy hates and that through their strong union they will make you visible to those souls who do not see you. Father, Travis and Abbie now leave their families and cleave to one another as you designed from the beginning, and we ask your blessing to be on them. Amen.

From Wandering to Redeeming Grace This is My Last Hope

I have started my Bible reading in Genesis following the rage event of earlier this week. I decided to go back to the beginning as I have hit rock bottom and do not know where else to turn. I am struck by how most people can quote the initial verse of the Bible, In the beginning God created.....God created! If the question is why does God get to make all the rules? The answer we must come to is "well, actually this is all his and I am included in the this." God was, and at that very moment our wonderful world was formless and empty which means I had no chance of coming into existence unless God decided that I would come into being. 

So God created and I exist at his pleasure and he did not create me to rage or create me full of rage. That is something I have picked up on my own when I left the trail he had set me on. My quest now becomes where did I get off the trail and how can I get back on the trail again?  There is one clue close to the beginning. In the creation story we learn that it doesn't take Adam and Eve very long to be banished from the garden. Then we see that within one generation mankind develops anger, hatred, rage and then learns how to murder. So Cain got off the trail, yet God did not kill Cain for murdering Abel, but banished him to be a wanderer for his remaining days. So we go from Adam and Eve disobeying the word of God to Cain committing the first murder and from then forward, the wickedness of mankind continues to pile up and up, and even seems to accelerate to even deeper depravity. Yet in the midst of accelerating evilness a remarkable thing occurs. Genesis 4:26 At that time people began to call on the name of the Lord. 

It is as though people come to hate the separation from God, and while clueless on how to get back on the trail, they intuitively understand that they have no power to get themselves back on the trail even though that is their desire. So, they call on the name of the Lord. This is actually profound, because people generally have to hit bedrock bottom before they will admit - my attempts at redeeming myself have failed and I have no other choice but to confess that I can't do it on my own.  I am powerless and who else has the power required to fix me? Who else can I call on that will result in real, and meaningful change. The first principle of Celebrate Recovery is Realize that I am not God and admit that I am powerless to control my tendency to rage and that my life is unmanageable. This allows me to embrace the second principle, Earnestly believe the God exists, that I matter to him, and he has the power to help me recover.  

This is my Genesis 4:26 moment, where I call upon the name of the Lord. I am powerless and I have mucked up my marriage and I cannot repair it, so I call on you God and ask in desperation is there any hope? I want to get on the trail you initially set me on, but all my attempts have brought me to this place, this moment and I feel I cannot sink any lower. You have said no one will ever find themselves in a place beyond the reach of grace. So God, then help me.  My marriage is over and I am to blame, yet grace is perhaps the only thing I have left to hold on for. Lord, I need you, oh I need you. Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness, oh God how I need you. (Lord, I Need You - Matt Maher)

A Dark, Dark Night and Then Grace

My previous post was a summarization of the grace that was exhibited in the play Les' Miserables, and a few hours following that post I was to have a serious meltdown at home and fly off into a rage against the woman I am in love with.  Yet if you had heard my words and the volume at which I yelled them, there is no way that you would have concluded that love is an accurate word to describe how I feel about her.

I was in a severe funk that I could not pull myself out of and so I resorted to an anger and a rage that resulted in her fearing for her safety. After my meltdown, I went to bed and was drifting off to sleep when I heard Susan unlocking the bedroom door. She came into the bedroom, and told me she is not staying here she is leaving to go to a hotel room, and she has called the sheriff to come and help her to leave. I was stunned and in disbelief, but she was not going to be swayed by any words I would say. Three deputies were in the house prepared to subdue me if I attempted anything foolish. I tried to get some information from her as to if she is going to come back and when. She could not definitively answer my questions and this caused a large amount of worry to enter my heart. I asked are we through?  She could not answer that question either. I asked her to pray with me and she reminded me that she had asked earlier if I wanted to pray, but I was raging at the time and could not do that. One of the deputies informed me, we are not going to pray because all I am doing is trying to stall her from leaving.  At which point Susan told the deputy, I will pray with him and so I was able to lift up some words to God on our behalf.  She then finished up her packing and eventually after a few more minutes of discussion she and Aimee left the house.  The last deputy to leave the house expressed his hope that it would all work out.

I tried to call Susan on her cell phone, but she would not answer, so I called my dad and told him that it looks like Susan and I are going to divorce. I then called my son, Travis, to share the sad news with him as well. I called both of them, because I was alone and needed to talk to someone. I tried calling Susan again and she answered and said she was in the hotel and she would call and talk to me in the morning. She did say that she wanted me to go to counselling and if I was unwilling to do that she would not come back. So with my back against the wall, I called my company's hot line and requested counselling. They gave me three names to call the next day. It was a dark, dark night and I could not sleep.

The next day Susan agreed to come over to the house and sit and talk with me in the front yard. I called the counselling center and asked for an appointment that day. They were able to work me in early that afternoon and I met with the doctor and shared what my previous 12 hours had been like and what I had done to precipitate them. I went home following the appointment and Susan called two hours later to ask how it went. She also said she and Aimee would come and visit in the front yard for a few minutes if I wished. I expressed my desire for her to come, and reminded her I needed to go to the Celebrate Recovery meeting at 7:00 at the church. We visited and she asked about the session and I shared what I could and told her the doctor expressed that it is a long process and I told both the doctor and Susan I am committed to the process regardless of the time frame. She and Aimee left for the night and I went inside to get ready for Celebrate Recovery.

The meeting on May 14, 2013 is a significant one for me. It was the fourth meeting I had attended and during the part of the service where the marker chips are given out I decided this night I would go forward and get the first marker chip signifying the beginning of my recovery process from anger. This date, May 14, 2013, now has significance for me, because it was at this date that I stood before the brothers in the small group portion and said, "Hi, I'm Ken. I'm a Christian who struggles with anger." I then relived the moment for them so they could see my powerlessness and understand how much help I would need from them in the days and months, perhaps years ahead.

On May 15, I woke up and went to work. After the work day concluded I drove home. Hoping that Susan and Aimee would be home, but resigned myself to accept that they probably would not be there, but would call to visit later. So, I had a glimmer of hope when I saw the car parked in the front driveway as I parked my truck and went inside. Susan was making supper for me and asked if I wanted to go sit outside and talk. I said yes, but let's sit on the patio and talk. She then laid out her expectations of what I would have to do to make amends. I listened, understood and acknowledged that I am obligated by Celebrate Recovery to do everything she needs for amends to be possible. I also told her I am not allowed to argue with her demands or express feelings that they are unfair or even say her needs are not in proportion to the event. I simply said I have to do all you shared.  That night Susan chose to stay home with me.

In my previous post I shared how grace always occurs when man is at his worst.  It makes absolutely no sense why grace ever results given the events that occur prior to the grace act. But grace is not of this world and that is the only way it is possible. It is not logical, it makes no sense, it is incomprehensible, and it never leaves a person the same. You cannot be truly touched by grace and remained unchanged. Jean Valjean expressed his puzzlement over grace by saying I must leave the world of Jean Valjean, because Jean Valjean is no more. I too am puzzled and can only say I must leave the world of Kenneth Garrett, because Kenneth Garrett is no more and now another story must begin. Thank you my wife for whatever you saw that caused you to say even when he's a monster there is still something worth fighting for that must be saved and can be saved.

The Grace of Les Miserables

In the play, Les Miserables, we are introduced to the prisoner Jean Valjean who stole a loaf of bread to feed a starving child and was sentenced to 19 years hard labor. He was granted parole when his sentence was over and given his parole papers that he had to carry with him at all times and make available to people should they ask to see them. Jean Valjean then begins his search for work and is rejected at every turn when the hiring person reads his papers identifying him as a parolee.  At one interview, the inn keeper told him to leave his premises at which Valjean said "please, I am hungry and cold", only to be rebuffed and sent away. He finds a place on the street to make his bed and try to survive the night, when a priest sees his predicament and invites him to his house where he feeds him and gives him a warm bed to sleep in.  Valjean, however does not recognize that he is being touched by grace because he has never seen grace in his life. The world has taught him it is everyman for himself. No one else cares about you and no one else will ever care about you. Later that night when the priest and the others living in the house fall asleep, Valjean steals some items of silver with the intention of selling them for a little bit of money. However, he is caught by the police and brought back to the priest to return the items he has stolen. Valjean's fate is clear. He is going back to prison for the rest of his life because he broke parole. The police force him to his knees and with his head bowed in brokenness listens as the police return the stolen items to the priest. The priest however, surprises everyone when he tells Valjean how happy he is that he came back because he left without taking the candlesticks the priest had given him.  With this the police are told they may go their way because Valjean did not steal the items in his possession they were given to him.  After the police leave the priest tells Valjean, he now belongs to God.

Now Valjean has a dilemma to reason through because he has no clue how to interpret the grace he has just been given.  It makes absolutely no sense to him. So, he asks the question why? Why did he give me this grace? Of course, this question can never be answered by earthly standards, because grace is of another world.  When a person is touched by grace he is humbled because grace always occurs when man is at his most worst. 

This grace act causes him to go into deep self reflection and he comes to the conclusion that he must "escape from the world of Jean Valjean because Jean Valjean is nothing now, and another story must begin". The Jean Valjean before grace and the Jean Valjean after grace cannot be the same people because grace never leaves a person unchanged. And a wonderful story of transformation occurs and Jean Valjean who remains hunted by the police and haunted by his past never forgets the grace he was given and chooses to never seek revenge, but always seeks to repay evil with grace in the hope that another person will come to understand that he has been touched by something of another world and change as a result.

The Pain is Great, Yet Grace is Near

Job 17:12 Yet the desires of my heart turn night into day; in the face of the darkness light is near.

This is one of those posts that came to me during the most mundane of tasks.  I was doing yard work today when the spirit laid a thought on my heart.  He caused me to revisit Charles Dickens - A Christmas Carol, the movie version that I love to watch each Christmas Eve with my family. The spirit prompted me to go beyond the acting and to revisit the lesson the story gives. The movie and novel build a strong case for why Ebenezer has become the man he is. During the journey to revisit his past we learn that his father had rejected him in the most absolute way possible.  He did not even want his own child to stay in the house with him, so he sent him away to boarding school. These wounds were deep and painful in the young Ebenezer's life and I could understand his bitterness later in life. Indeed, the hurt and pain must have been agonizing at times.

The Christmas Carol though ultimately concludes that his wounds do not give Ebenezer an excuse for becoming who he has become. Yes, the spirits acknowledge, you were treated horribly and wounded severely by your father, and still that does not grant you the privilege to treat others with the same contempt and callousness. 

In his last encounter with his betrothed Belle, she shared with him that his passions have all merged into one master, profit! "The thought of it engrosses you." Ebenezer was on his way to laying the foundation to become a very rich man, yet Belle did not want his money. In the end she releases him from their agreement and marries another. His wounds caused him to miss the point. Belle was saying to him, Ebenezer I don't want your money, I want you! For a person who wanted to be loved by his father, it seems like Ebenezer should have picked up on this fairly easy, but wounds have a terrible  coping system in they way they cause us to build defense mechanisms to protect ourselves, and so Ebenezer failed to see the one thing he desired more than anything else; love. The spirit seemed to be teaching me that my wounds like Ebenezer's have tried to protect me from feeling more pain and the defense mechanisms I have built are causing me to miss out on the beauty that surrounds me. 

Charles Dickens seems to be saying we are expected to rise above our circumstances, our situations no matter how ugly and chose instead to make a difference in mankind. We have no excuse for failing to help others in need. So Job reminds us in the face of darkness light is near. Open my eyes Father and let me see the light rather than concentrate on the wounds.

The Reverence of Grace

Ezra 8:5 Ezra opened the book.  All the people could see him because he was standing above them and as he opened it all the people stood up. Ezra praised the Lord, the great God: and all the people lifted up their hands and responded Amen! Amen! Then they bowed down and worshipped the Lord with their faces to the ground.

What a powerful picture of reverence! The book is so sacred that in the moment of opening it up the people were so moved they could not remain seated. This was a moment that required them to stand in reverence because Ezra was going to read from the book of the great God. The moment so moved Ezra, he lifted up words of praise and the people lifted up their hands in reverence to the great God and said the only thing they felt was appropriate, Amen! Amen! And then the worship was done in a position of bowing down with their faces to the ground, because they knew they were unworthy to remain standing before their great God and worship him in that position.

I have to believe the reason the people were so reverent was because they knew how great their sin was and how it had grieved the great God so deeply that he allowed Nebuchadnezzar to take them captive all the way to Babylon. They understood that their sin was so egregious that the great God did not even want them to remain in Jerusalem, and he allowed the king of Babylon freedom to come in and plunder the city and take the people captive. The great God wanted the city to be empty, rather than let any of a sinful people occupy it. 

Yet, years later their repentance caused their great God to allow them to return to the place their hearts yearned for, home. It was not of their doing that they had returned home, but by the pleasure of the great God and they no doubt understood this and believed this deeply in their souls. When a person looks intently in the mirror and sees what he has done that grieves the great God and realizes that God let me live and God let me return home, it must be the most humbling moment an individual can experience. Then when all the brethren are gathered together and the book is opened for the first time in decades, how can you remain seated before the great God? Some worship requires I bow down and put my face to the ground, because my sin is so egregious. I have not been reverential in many years I think. I have had moments of revelation that pricked my soul and brought tears to my eyes, but I never felt the need to hide my face from the great God. I need to be reverential Father, because you are the great God and I am the created. Prick my heart and let it be softened by my sorrow so that I will remember all the time that you are the great God and I can only approach you in reverence or I cannot approach you at all. Grace should cause me to stand during moments of sacredness and bow in moments of worship, because grace was beyond my reach, but I was never beyond its reach. Oh great God! Thank you!

Grace Reveals a Lesson From God

Nehemiah 1:4 When I heard these things, I sat down and wept. For some days I mourned and fasted and prayed before the God of heaven. Then I said:.......

Does this paint a picture of how I approach my time in prayer with God? Is this a model of what my prayer time looks like?  Do I have days of mourning over distressful news? Do I have days of fasting to clear my heart, mind, soul and strength to approach him in purity? Do I have days of praying before God before I come to him and lift up my request to him? No, I am presumptuous in my approach. I have no concerns about confession and repentance when I come to him. I lay my request out to God from the "get go". It is as though, I act like God should be happy I, Ken, have come to spend time with him. How vain! How full of myself I have become in life, and in relating to my creator.

Nehemiah shows a model of how to approach God and my approach looks vastly different. I struggle with lust and anger. No, that is not accurate, I have pretty much given up trying to overcome these sins, and have rationalized why I continue to deal with them. The truth is I am powerless over the same sins that have been with me since my birth? Yet, my approach to God has never occurred after a time of mourning over my enslavement to my lusts. My approach to God has never occurred after a time of fasting so that my mind, heart, soul and strength are cleansed so I can approach him in purity, and with a contrite heart. My approach to God has never been preceded by praying before him. praising him and acknowledging him and then coming before him to lift up my confession of powerlessness and then lift my request to him for strength to overcome. I have felt God's grace, because he knows my desire is real but buried too deep to be effective, so his grace reveals lessons in verses like this so that I can be transformed in power by him.

The difference right  now between Nehemiah and me is Nehemiah knew he was unworthy to approach God, so in order to approach him he prepared his heart, mind, soul, and strength for some days and then in humility he came before God and begged him to hear his plea.  This approach is the difference between Nehemiah's powerful time of prayer and my ineffective time of prayer. I now have a deeper appreciation of why my prayers for victory have been for the most part ineffective. Grace has shown me how to approach my creator, help me Father to heed the lesson and to come to you with a heart, mind, soul and strength that has been cleansed so I can lift up my request to you in a spirit of humbleness.

Responding to Grace

Ezra 1:5  .....-Everyone whose heart God had moved prepared to go up and build the house of the Lord in Jerusalem.  

This verse reminds us of something very critical when it comes to us and God. It is never a moment that I'm sitting down or out in the wonder of nature and then I spontaneously decide I am going to go and do this or do that for God. No, I must remember that my heart is moved by God and I respond to his moving of my heart as a result. And I must also remember that the moving of my heart usually only occurs after prayer, petition, and pleading to God and God reveals that he has heard me and moves my heart to do what he desires from me. There is also one more thing I must remember and that is what God moves my heart to do is not necessarily what he moves other hearts to do, and so I cannot decipher spirituality by whether others have been moved in the same way God moved me.  For instance, God has put in my heart that I need to pray with brothers regularly, and then he led me to them. However, I cannot look at those brothers who do not pray regularly with other brothers and conclude they are deficient in their faith. I cannot know if God has moved them or not, so I must be careful in not falling into judging of others.

Ezra 3:13 No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away.

When God's grace moves his people it has a real and moving impact on them and grace also has an impact on others as well. Notice that the impact of grace on his people does not result in the same expression. Here the people were responding to the same grace stimulus, yet some shouted with joy and  others were moved to weep. Grace is received in different ways by his people. For some the sheer joy that God loves them so much he showers them with grace is a moment to raise their heads and shout from the rooftops what God has done. While others may look at the deep darkness in their hearts and come to realize that grace reaches the lowest hell and their thankfulness is expressed through tears of deep appreciation. Yet, God used both responses to grace to impact those who were far away. There is no other conclusion possible except when God's grace moves his people it impacts others in some way.  They hear what God is doing with his people, and whether they like it or not the sound cannot be silenced nor the movement stilled.  There is another conclusion as well and that is God's grace is not something people can keep to themselves.  Yet it all starts with prayers, petitions, and pleadings from his people and when God reveals to them that he has heard them and touches them with grace their hearts are moved to do whatever he desires, some will be moved to shout with joy, and some will be moved to weeping, but both responses are due to God's revelation to his people that I have heard and now I am going to work powerfully through you in this way. Have I been so touched?

We Have Enough Clanging Cymbals and Resounding Gongs

My family was recently blessed with being able to share Christmas together with our son, Travis, in Washington DC. The trip was a treat for us, because our oldest son, Daniel, was able to join us and so the whole family was together for Christmas.  This was Daniel's first trip to our nation's capital and he wanted to take in as much of the sights as possible.  That included of course Arlington National Cemetery.

We went to the cemetery and walked first to President Kennedy's grave and his brother's graves. We then went to the tomb of the unknown and watched the solemn ceremony as the sentinel stood guard and then we watched the changing of the guard ceremony. While this was occurring, the funeral of a fallen airman was taking place in the distance. We heard the firing of the rifles in a 21 gun salute and then the majesty of the missing man formation flew over the cemetery humbling me as I was blessed to witness a final salute to this individual whose name I am never to know.

I then felt the presence of the spirit as he told me to look to the sentinel and learn from them, because their example speaks loudly if I will pause to listen to the lesson. It struck me that we admire the young men who stand at their posts no matter the time of day or regardless of what is going on around them, and for the most part admiration is all we do.  Temperatures below freezing? They stand guard.  A beautiful autumn day clothed in the majesty of the changing leaves? They stand guard. A hurricane blowing ashore from the coast? They stand guard.  A spring day with flowers painting the countryside in grandeur? They stand guard.  Summer days above 100 degrees? They stand guard. Rain coming down in buckets? They stand guard. Angry thunder clapping loudly in the distance? They stand guard.  

The environment does not stop them from manning their post and doing their duty, and the spirit convicted me that my response of admiration while real is not the sole response I should expect from myself. I, too, have an obligation to not let the environment or other circumstances prevent me from carrying out my duty as a citizen. To be content to think that my admiration is enough does nothing for improving my country or helping my citizens who need my assistance in some way. The young men who stand guard at the tomb of the unknowns are in essence giving the rest of us a clear picture of what our service should look like as well. I think perhaps, I have become too content to bitch about my leaders and act like that is standing at my post, but the spirit has convicted me that I am nothing more than a clanging cymbal  and a resounding gong. So, I confess my lack of activity to my God and repent of my loud wailing and want to get off my high horse and do something for my country. Thank you Father.